Capture the present

2010-10-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

HELLO THERE!

I have a blog counter and even though this blog is already dead, I still see visitors.

Don't worry, I ain't dead yet.

Well, not yet.

GO HERE cuz I'm still blogging.

It's a link, just click it.

THANKS! XD and see you at Behind A Smile!!!!

~ Jaren

Type 92: Bittersweet Awakening

2010-03-12T22:14:00.000-08:00

UPDATE!!!! 25/4/10

I'VE MOVED. http://groksemantics.blogspot.com

Go there.

'Give to every human being every right that you claim for yourself.'

~ Robert Ingersoll

Next post will be on the 27th of May.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serenity comes at a price

In times of trials, the entire entity of a person; body, soul and spirit is called into question. Trust and faith wanes and you know you've fallen from grace.

In times of detriment, self inflicted, everything is taken away with no chance of redemption or an excuse. You know there's nobody that's gonna stand by you and make it through the fall. This is the way a person crashes and burns till the point of no return.

Instead what should be done is harnessing your inner strength. That is something no one else can take away from you, as well as the strongest form of support you can ever have. Some may call it self-confidence but that form of inner strength is only superficial.

At this point of time, I similarly am facing such a pitfall. Definitely I have toyed with the idea of simply giving up. I know I have already shut out most of the world around me. After all, people are people and it is never safe to leave so important as your own inner flame with another person(s).

I never wanted to conform to society's norm. Now I am forced to. Education is the only way out and there is way to much emphasis on it. I wanted to stand out, be different. In more ways than one.

However, that was the old personality. Most people will say an attitude change is needed, but I believe it is not enough. I have tried adopting a new attitude but failed. Drastic times call for drastic measures and thus I will be manifesting a new personality. The one the majority wants.

The perfect acing student. I do make it clear that I am not doing this for the sake of others or to gain their respect or recognition. I don't need that. What I am doing now is for personal empowerment. Yes I am selfish and so is everyone else.

No one does something if they don't stand to gain any gratification, be it emotional, physical or psychological. Take Mother Teresa, revered as the Mother of Africa. Surely she is worshipped for being selfless but truly, by going to Africa and doing what she did, she experienced emotional and probably mental gratification. Yes, it is considered positive but still it is essentially selfishness.

Now this is my own conclusion. Gonna get a new personality in, a complete makeover. Love me hate me, that is not a point of consideration for myself.

You oughta know

Tonight is the night to let it go

Put on a show

I want to see how you lose control

Type 89: Disturbing personalities.

2010-03-04T05:25:00.000-08:00

'Instinct is the nose of the mind.'

~ Madame De Girardin

All alone in a wasteland

Fearful. A word I personally hate using. It simply denotes that sort of internal humane sense of helplessness and uncertainty. However, it's one of the strongest type of feelings that can be experienced by a person. I won't really consider it an emotion, as it's governed by underlying passions of greed and deceit.

Basically, now that SPA's are over, I am actually feeling pretty worried over them. I mean, surely I made sure I did everything well and proper but there's just that anxiety that I screwed up. Badly. That it'll cost me my A1, future... it all goes downhill from there.

But what governs this strong tension of my heart? Pride? Somehow, expectations are actually a source of pride. Sure, call it positive ego or dignity but all in all it's still self-gloating pride. The sort of disappointment comes from the fact that pride was in fact an integral part of your cognitive pattern. I myself make a conscious effort in reducing my own pride due to well, fear. Fear of not keeping up, fear of letting others down. Failing myself.

However, why is there a need to contrive such delusions in my head, making mental choices that dictate my everyday living? I really question myself. I replay memories, past reactions and recent behaviors, thinking about what I shouldn't have done. Narcism at it's finest. Narcism sounds negative but hell, it is essentially dignity. Achievements, accomplishments and expectations are all derived from narcism as much as it is from dignity.

Primal instincts are what make us humans, what controls our character. Love, Anger, Sorrow, Greed, Truth, Hope. As much as evolution tries to prove that we have managed to evolved and are still embarked on this eternal process, we haven't changed in cognitive development. Much like a rat is concerned with the fact whether he can live to see the next day, for food, we too hope for both the attainable and intangible.

Such a pity we are simply cursed with such underlying fundamental attachments. They are the limiting factors in allowing ourselves to unleash our fullest potential, which is then again debatable. Ultimately, to function properly in this world, so long as you are not deemed mentally or physically unfit, you are ready. But seriously, do you think you are?

Step out

Much like everyone else, I search for a belonging. Ironically, I personally gain this sense of belonging by not being too attached to anyone or thing. I prefer an outsider's view on everything, to be there but not in. Similarly, I know of a few other people with similar traits, but their way of being different is, for a lack of a better word, different.

(Arrgh, some more personal attacks!! Sorry!! Just my own thoughts)

You know some more effeminate guys putting up an obvious act? It's not only for attention, they even gain a sense of confidence or enjoyment from being discriminated against. Up in their mind, they are actually mocking others' myopic vision and responses.

Okay, that was only on the point on why they are acting different. Ultimately, there is a form of belonging just simply to belong. That can come in different forms. Cliques, family, cults. Wonder how cults or radical groups exist? There are people who believe in such theologies. Guaranteed, there might/was deprogramming involved as it is not in 'human nature'. Then again, what defines human nature? Simply by sticking to the status quo?

Alright back to my point. There's this one person who as I mentioned above, is more effeminate. Surely, he admits his orientation which is pretty disturbing, given our conservative culture. Anyway, he delves into Wicca. Can see he's a devout to it. It does bring about that form of mental satisfaction, much like the high on drugs. It ultimately stimulates the hypothalamus which causes the production of endorphins which allows the high to occur.

Delusions birth fears

BUT, the endorphin production for addiction, no matter which type it is, only occurs for the initial. As the person's mind is exposed to a certain form of stimulant, be it Wicca or drugs, the mesolimbic pathway is degenerated. Destroyed. The victim is actually re-enacting the abuse simply to hope to achieve the previous high. Now this is a placebo effect.

Studies (can't find which one) have shown that by repeating an action, coupled with the exact/similar physical items, a person's individual brain cells focus on whatever memory that is tied into the person's DNA. Because every action, every though is stored into the DNA structure of a person. Thus, the sensation of nostalgia is ignited and a temporal feel of being relieved is experienced. However, nothing really happened physically. As it is all cognitive, thus it is a form of placebo effect taking place.

What counters such "addiction" or abuse is actually if a root instinct is built with the activity. For example being with loved ones. There is love and hope attached to it, thus endorphins are released. For substance abuse such as glue sniffing, the only thought is the determination to achieve endorphin release. However, endorphins can only be released by

a) A new experience which triggers its release. After the initial encounter, the body builds up a tolerance which prevents stimulation.

b) A core sentiment as the body does not/is not able to have a tolerance towards it.

With that, the singular thought process of only wanting to achieve endorphin production causes the degeneration of the mesolimbic pathway as too many nervous impulses are transmitted through the pathway. Like a form of electric shock. After all, the impulses are actually electrical impulses. We are one giant circuit.

I'm stopping here. Enough with the typing and all, getting tired and pretty strained. Feels good to be able to relieve my own anxiety by indulging in my own interest area and lessen the amount of nervous nervous impulses in my brain.

Okay that's it. Arrgh!

Cause everybody loves a circus show

But I'm the only clown you'll ever know

And now you can applaud my best mistake

I love you was too many words to say

Then comes the rain again

2010-02-27T01:27:00.000-08:00

'A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.'

~Benjamin Franklin

Moisture

I've got so many crazy happenings right now, just feel like exploding out and letting everyone know what's going on..

But then I realise no one reads this blog anymore. And my entries have no longer been of quality. Therefore as of now, I say to this blog

Requiescat in Pace.

Just going to go through a brief summary of what has happened over this week.

The whole St. Patrick's vs Victoria School group has been reported in the papers. So it's freaking angsty and an all out vulgar attack on each other personally. No, not even the school. All the "smart and sane" people will go about saying "it was childish/stupid for it to start etc." and "I can't believe that Victorians took part etc." and "now that it's over, don't continue it."

But no. I really disagree with that. The group was a smart move. It was such a fine specimen of rivalry and puerility at its finest. Not just some pathetic squabble. As much as it was on the news, it was something that was coming. I thought it was smart. Sure, call me stupid, childish etc. But at least I don't see things from your one view.

So I did a little experiment. Just to be random really, created a female facebook account and spammed lame jokes on that wall. It was an interesting experience really, and that there's so much more learnt about anthropology. For example, there were a number of guys who added "me". Basically loser guys and they were trying their best to flirt and try to stalk. Played along and a few of them really bought it. -.- these guys really don't seem to have a future.

Anyway, it also show that it's easier to be a girl. I mean seriously, you get appeal. And it's so much easier to toy with a person's feelings... okay I sound like a queer. But through that experiment I felt that I've learnt more about social behavior and stigma. Simply by basing on the way each person responds, you get to form a sort of stereotype through classifying similar people in that group.

Yes I am a freaky emo loner. I actually (know I've said this before) do enjoy observing people as a hobby. I know the commons; soccer, music, games etc. I just don't seek as much fulfillment as through doing this. At this point of time, I feel I'm even able to predict a person's characteristics and behavior simply by their facial look. Yes, inaccurate as a first impression but to me there are a lot of similarities to be spotted.

- Take no offense, this is just a stereotype based on PERSONAL thoughts-

Example 1: Skinny bespectacled boy with bracers. ==> Nerd. Small social circle, possibly narcissistic. Mugs for the sake of approval (teachers/parents/friends), less social interaction skills. Myopic view of current affairs, refers to textbook for enlightenment.

Example 2: Small built girl, young looking with contacts. ==> Tendency to feel insecure and intimidated. Tries to look for love, preferably someone older who can 'protect' her. Too easily attached. Only has a few impactful/memorable experiences and it replays in her mind.

Example 3: Small built boy, chin held higher. ==> School 'student leader'. Assumes himself to be a tier higher than fellow peers. Tends to be more exclusive with crowd. Rude to a certain extent. Mindless trust in school and misled by great experience. Follower and epitome of MOE's system of student leadership.

Okay, there's more that I can go into but I'm pretty lazy already. Once again, this is not meant to be offensive so it's not my problem should you get all up in fits and what not. Personal space, go ahead and bitch about me, it's perfectly fine. I'm bigger than that.

Everyday I feel that I have something blog worthy and want to share it, but I'm just too unmotivated to post. All I'm very sure about myself is one thing: I want to be different. Not unique or special, but different. As in not having any similarities to the norm of society.

This is the life we've been given

So open your mind and start livin'

yes this time i'm really angry

2010-02-21T06:34:00.001-08:00

I freaking hate blogger!!!! I was blogging for about 1 hour, when I publish post, it freaking gave me a stupid "bad request" page then when I clicked back, it showed me attitude by giving that stupid two words AGAIN!!!!

Then when I went to blogger homepage, I got signed out. To my horror when I signed in, the post wasn't saved and wasn't published!!!!

Arrggghhh!!! That whole time wasted totally!!! What a killjoy

Random retaliation

2010-02-20T01:37:00.001-08:00

'We are all apt to believe what the world believes in us.'

~ George Elliot

Long time since I blogged. Heck, I haven't read the blog over the past 5 days. Maybe I'm exaggerating I don't know. I really don't know.... it's like a part of me has died. Been thinking and reflecting, found out things I wished I never learnt.

Being knowledgeable - as big a curse as it is a blessing. Somehow I really want to have everything simply put, don't want to have to think about large scale events and consequences. I want to have blind vision, to be like everyone else around me. To be content with what is planned for them, to take the road tried and proven. Why can't I simply be like others from 4D? Enjoy studying, doing maths on the board FOR FUN (more on that later), not have to worry about things other than exams...

Oh yea, they were doing plain nerd/stupid stuff yesterday. During recess. I mean it's great that you're focused/enthusiastic about math but freaking DON'T talk about it for leisure!! They were like doing differentiation on the board and trying to figure out and speaking in math jargons... quote "then if dy/dx at stationary point = 0 ...." SAVE ME.

Okay, getting that period of shock behind me (I hope jc can save/help you guys) my main point I'm driving at is that at least they can find fulfillment in doing something as simple as math. Then they'll go on to Junior College, University, find a job and live life that way.

I don't see any fulfillment in that. I'm not content in simply following a preset path. And I really know I have a problem with trust. Truth be told, I've got no one close to, someone to rely on. That's surprisingly what I like. I don't look up to anyone, because I don't see anything worth. I know I sound completely stuck up and hedonistic but really I don't know how else to express this deep desire in me.

Certainly, I am not content with following what is tried and tested. I really don't like the concept of "spirit" simply because it is meaningless. I know it's completely contradictory but I feel that school spirit is useless. It's only a ploy used by higher-ups to get people of a lower order to blindly support and follow. Truth be told, I don't like taking something at face value, simply receiving words from others as what is right.

And I think that is a curse. My own form of thinking. There is therapy of deprogramming but I'm not from some cult so that is out of question. Perhaps this is affecting myself from simply being able to enjoy things, life, from a good perspective. Source of all these angst and fury. I have really no idea. And I guess it's irrelevant and unimportant.

This is a blog and not some stupid "cry myself to sleep" diary so I should drift away from all that inner desire/longing thing. Then again, this isn't going to be me telling everyone about my life and all the perfections and how happy I amm!!!! Because that's me being totally fake.

What will happen and become of this blog, I really don't know. It's just going to be all uncertainties lying before. I won't be able to blog as much now. There's quite a lot of problems existing now and I know it's important to sort them out, even though it is perfectly fine for me to walk out and simply ignore it all. Too bad I'm not that heartless.

I don't care about the drivings and motivations about people giving for acing O levels. The only motivation I have for myself for O levels is that doors will be open for me to explore more options. I definitely have my own ideas and values and opinions and so other forms of encouragement isn't going to cut it. With that, I'm really ending off in a repressed mood.

I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cause I'm in love with you

Can be saved

2010-02-11T05:31:00.001-08:00

'A little faith will bring your soul to heaven, but a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul.'

~ Author Unknown

Swan's song

It's been really really long since I updated. Long story short, I've been major sick for 8 days. Can't bother to elaborate, too tired to.

Anyway, I've been able to catch up with the class work pretty quickly, so ain't that bad. Turns out either they didn't cover that much or I just managed to pick up quickly. Which brings me to my next point. Since this year, I felt a new sense of mastery over my work. I'm able to learn a lot faster and better, and I'm actually not afraid of taking on A maths. Yes, I failed it last year. Feeling pretty good about it.

I think I've got my focus back, after heart wrenching talks about O levels and seeing first hand disappointments and the tears of past Victorians. Finally, Endy too has been such a great inspiration. I've seen him balance everything Victoria has thrown at him and yet he's able to bounce back and study. Also hearing that he got 21 points for Prelim 1, 8 for Prelim 2 and finally 6... I feel a lot more confident. I didn't do well for SAs with 20 points and true, I didn't study. But I'm sure I'm gonna do well for Prelim 1 as I have started studying. And I believe that on the right track, I'll be able to emulate his success. Academically.

So yea, I hope that I can perform in terms of academics. Seriously, it's the only thing I'm concerning myself with this time. It's the only thing that matters and so I've put in a lot less emphasis into other aspects in school. Not to say I'm washing my hands of responsibilities, it's that I want to prioritize.

Internal conflict in cca now. Really stupid in my opinion. But it goes way deeper. Being the critic, I really analyzed the behaviors and actions of the many people and I pretty much have my reasons on their behavior and their drive. Except that tattle. I've got a few reasons now. One is that he's still intent on sucking up. I mean why some more? You're already up there, so there's really no point. Another reason is that he doesn't trust/no faith in us. That I can't help. Yet another is that he has the "virtue and moral integrity" to believe that the teachers are always right. Finally, he wants to make what he views as messed up into something perfect. Well guess what, that whole thing he's doing is perfectly f*ked.

Okay have been getting a whizz of thoughts. You know something, I think I'm pretty conspiracist-ish. I just love thinking way ahead and assuming based on current knowledge and stuff. And of course creepily observing things, behaviors and what not.

Alright alright, gonna change subject. Just got reminded of what Hussain said at Mawaii: Guys are a dying breed. Girls want handsome caring loving boyfriends. But guys like that have their own BOYFRIENDS. Haha was freaking funny. Esp with the build up.

Oh and I'm breaking out. Stupid zits. Hate calling them pimples. They sound so much more disgusting. Really bad this time, has never been this much. No scarring fortunately, but there's quite a bit of bumps. And I'm actually using facewash so that says something.

Nights

Oh never stop

Maria, Ave Maria

Fly to the end of those white clouds

Maria, Ave Maria

It doesn't matter if you go through like the waves

Illness

2010-02-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

'We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything.'

~Thomas Edison

Been sick, again. Now that really sucks. Sure, you get to stay at home, get time to rest.. but the torment that comes with the illness does not justify the rest.

Just randomly yesterday, I woke up with a fever. But still got ready for school, left the house for school. On the journey, started to get serious headache. Like freaking painful and starting to feel dizzy. So at the school gates, I decided to head home since I really buai tahan. Took Panadol then went to sleep.

Got up at 10 and my mum brought me to the clinic. The thing cool is that my father's company has some healthcare perk with AXA so that visiting the doctor, getting meds and mc cost $5. So that's a lot of money saved. Unfortunately, you have to declare that you're using this scheme and so the clinic takes "preventive measures" to prevent you from getting quality service. In my opinion. I mean like they give really retarded advice and somehow doesn't seem up to mark. Just my theory.

Anyway, waited close to 2 hours before entering the doctor's office area. Super long and irritating. Not to mention the throbbing headache I have. Roar! Got 2 day mc, meds. Well, yesterday was pretty horrible. My headache was super bad, really can't function. Couldn't sleep at all and felt totally wasted. Almost got fits after dinner.

Managed to take stronger Voltarian pills from a specialist and that really helped removed all the pain. And so now I can actually feel well, though there are still traces of headache. But nothing serious.

What sucks now is that I've really missed so much from school. Arrgh and that sucks. Whole week's worth of Geography, Chinese mock exam, Maximina and Minima, it goes on. And that is pure bull. At this point I'm feeling really wasted. Definitely can't go on and do O levels. Even feel like retaining and repeating Sec 3. I'm that unconfident.

...disconnected...

But that's not the road I've taken. It's the big game and everyone's a player, no reserves. This is what will make or break my future and I'm gonna gun for it. As hard as it is, as little faith I have.

Dear Lord, help me

On a random note, my father has been playing Zoo World on fb. Don't know why, apparently it's fun. He's asking stuff like the meanings of "arachnids" and "geckos". Ok, awkward.

Were you right, was I wrong

Were you weak, was I strong

Yeah both of us broken, caught in the moment

We lived and we loved, we hurt and we joke yeah

Smaller

2010-01-31T00:08:00.000-08:00

'You can't plough a field by turning it over in your mind.'

~Author Unknown

If only it was this beautiful

know nowadays my blog posts are getting shorter. Sorry! It's just me I guess, gotta really buck up on everything else. Also I can't really find the motivation. I don't want this blog to die, but it I think it is. Help me.

Been thinking so much about O levels already. About where I'm headed towards, what will happen after that... At this point, my feelings are a total mix bag. I never wanted to go the route others have taken. For example primary school, I chose Victoria because no one else chose it. Never regretted the decision. At times, I don't even want to stay in the Singapore education system. No A levels or diplomas. But I know that's no feasible.

The main thing is that I know almost everyone's aiming for vjc. For some it's their dream institution, others there's no where else to go. I for one, really don't want to go to vjc. Personally, I really disliked their plans of disowning vs ever since the 2003 co-ed proposal till 2009 6-year ip. To me, they've forgotten their roots. But then again, only my view. I've got my own opinions and should not spread this to others.

Anyways, I'm just feeling so lost in this dilemma (wrong sentence structure I know). So I should probably just forget about this whole thing. Main concern for me is not to simply join the status quo. Take the route everyone takes.

Moving on, just saw some ridiculous stuff on facebook. Well but instead of following a) making fun b) thinking they're childish, I'm just going to share what's from my own opinion.

I think the group was smart. The st pats person who created the group was pure genius. He took this little topic and managed to make it a total war. Plus getting kc girls to take sides? Witty. He's managed to play upon feelings of both parties and managed to create a hooha. That is pretty awesome. Gotta give him his props.

Okay that's it I guess. I'm gonna enjoy live. Peace :D

When the night has come

And the land is dark

And the moon is the only

Light I see

Transfiguration

2010-01-30T06:51:00.000-08:00

*sorry no pics, too lazy to upload*

Total rest day. Oh yeah! Slept with air con last night. Yes not environmentally friendly but I don't really care that much about it. I mean come on, money should be spent on solving world hunger or poverty and not trying to save the environment. It's just a theory. Sure you can see the effects, but are they killing humans? No. It's inhumane to regard the lives of seals as higher than fellow humans in Africa.

Okay back to the day's time plan/routine or whatever you call it. Woken (haha it's an actual word?) up at 8.30 but just lazed around in bed until 10.30. It's possible, really! Just lie down, think about stuff, enjoy the coolness of the room, softness of the bed. Alright you get the point.

Bathed the guinea pigs today. I didn't take pictures so as an excuse I'm gonna upload old pics of them.

Thing is, the past few days Golden has been 'wheezing', or something like making 'psst' sounds from the nose. And sneezing. Apparently he's caught the flu, except it's been long and it hasn't been cold. Probably taking him to the vet.

Hershey has been squealing almost always these days. For seemingly no rhyme or reason. Bathed her today, large clump of hair tangled at the back. Snipped it off and now she's all happy. Probably uncomfy or something. Now she quiet again. Problem solved? Hopefully.

Went to ikea later. Is it pronounced eee-ki-aa or eye-kay-ya? Anyways, mom wanted to buy some storage stuff. Meatballs lunch :D Talking to Joel about SS and JC stuff. Stress :X Got this storage shelf/drawer thing. Pic below, gauge for yourself.

Okay this is where I really failed. Opened the packaging and found out that I've gotta do hammering. Great. Totally failed at constructing that thing, just felt so crushed. I mean it's just stupid hammering!

Oh and guess what? More fail. Tried to relax by playing games, got owned. Badly. Super fail. Was on facebook and well, checked out where my seniors went to. Many went to vj, visibly happy. Bih Yau went to acjc, apparently very sad. I know of others who were crushed because they couldn't get into vj. But as of now, I don't see the big deal about vj. In fact I detest them. Seriously.

They were the backstabbing traitors who last june threatened to sever ties with vs, removing affiliation and become a direct competitor through their 6-year ip plan. Fortunately MOE disapproved, but the very fact that 'lil Poh Ming had the balls to even do such a thing is DISGUSTING. Been a horrid fox since 2003, he's never changed. vj's nothing that great, even if they pay me, at this point I won't go there. Totally not considering that slanderous man's institution. To me, he's not a victorian and doesn't deserve to whore the glorious name like that.

Okay angsty. Just that I really can't stand that guy. I mean he has all these anti-vs plans and then out of the blue, he and mr low kiss and make up. He's over in vs for Camp Emerge selling his school like a hooker and killing all other appeals. Hypocrite. Definitely others have their own choice and say in where they want to go. I know vj's not for me. Not after what he's done.

2010-01-29T06:01:00.000-08:00

this is an excuse for a post

Rant

2010-01-27T04:18:00.000-08:00

'Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others let go.'

~William Feather

[cryptic post below]

You're so puerile. It's just plain humourous to see you tumble around, fleeting in the water and trying to cling on to something(s). Simply shows how myopic your vision is. Much like a foolish simple minded goldfish in a tiny fishbowl. Thinking you're high and mighty, forgetting where you really stand. That's right, with other fish.

So open up your tiny little mind, since you claim to have one. Surely you've got things handed to you on a sliver platter. Hell you did nothing to achieve anything. So be glad where you stand, be grateful. Remember the famous lines: Be kind, be grateful, be engaged? And you claim to be an honourable Victorian, the perfect embodiment of a gentleman, professional and sportsman. After all, that's what you are right?

Really, it's great that you got what you want. Unlike you, I'm not the jealous sort. In fact I am genuinely happy for you. Seriously, no lying. Though what disgusts me is the way you act. Sure, a year ago that would probably be a bit more acceptable. But now, instead of improving you 'deproved'. I would use backslide but it seems inappropriate. Anyway, since you think you're in a class above everyone else, at least act so.

It's a joke that everyone knows yet are considerate enough not to laugh at you. Tolerate you. Pretend to love you. Maybe except for a few instances. I witnessed them all. Suddenly you became all hapless, the dawning of reality drowning you in it. The look on your face, the anger and shame, the tears welling up... Yes I may be a sadist but you deserved it. Should be glad I didn't add fuel to the fire. Instead helped break it up and comfort you. Something I shouldn't have done. My regret.

Anyway it's been a long while since that incident. Once again, it's really great that you're doing a ~~great~~ job. Do you know what's disgusting about you? Please, everyone knows. Your attitude. Technically I shouldn't blame you. As termed by Alfred Adler, you suffer from a psychological problem known as the inferiority complex. Go check the link and see manifestation. Your mirror image.

Don't like help from others? Fine, just tell them politely. Settles everything. Don't need to go around telling lies behind my back. Maligning others and myself. Just in case you didn't know by now, I am far more connected than you are. Anything you say, I find out in the matter of minutes. That's what friends are for. Guess what? No one believes your lies. They're so childish, even "less intellectual" people as deemed by you can see through them. Like clear glass. Now sorry, wrong simile. Too pleasant. You don't deserve such great titles.

When confronted, you come up with a different story contradicting what you told behind my back. Further confirming your disorder. Here's a life lesson, lies after lies will never save you. In fact, they destroy you; smashed and strewn about.

I could go on and on but I shan't succumb to your level. I have a bit more dignity. For now, it just amazes me how immature you can be. Hiding behind an artificial cover, delusional and small minded. You're the perfect specimen for a Classical Alderian psychology case study. You should be proud of that.

You know what, I rest my case. I am ashamed to be associated to you but some things can't be changed. I accept that and really, your words don't affect me at all. I'm mentally more mature than to sulk and whine. Maybe one day you'll hit puberty and be able to be more knowledgeable. Good luck.

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind

Now look a bit harder

Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired

Of the hatred that you harbour

emo-esque

2010-01-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

'The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.'

~ Harry Golden

So do we

Really wonder if anyone reads this blog. If you do, tag please :D

Alright, I know that the blog is pretty much emo.. I mean I know I'm weird but I actually enjoy those stuff. Yeah I'm pretty freaky.

No, it's not that it's fun to cut yourself etc. that is plain ghoulish. (masochistic, kinda demonic) As in the emo culture is one that is quite interesting to research into. For example, it's kinda scary to see people engaging in self injury but really, what is it about? Many say it's being suicidal, others say it's because the person's weak. From what I know, there are a few reasons:

Some "pretend" to do it for attention. ie Posers. Motive? Generally for people to surround them and give sympathy. Root cause could be inferiority or insecurity. Shan't really judge though.
Some do it as a means of finding strength. Yes, kinda weird but cutting yourself for strength? The blood which oozes out is an indication to the person that he is still surviving. That he can still continue.
Some do it to remove pain. Emotional, mental and psychological is a lot less tolerable than physical pain. (yes, they have never been shot by a bullet so they don't etc etc) By transferring the pain to the physical body, a person's mind is able to release the pain and slowly get over.
I don't really care about people under "1". But for 2 and 3, there is a common link for their motive. That is moving forward and overcoming. Sure it may be the wrong way to go about doing so but the motive is not SUICIDE. It is in fact the opposite. It's just sad that many people assume emo people to be suicidal.

Next thing, emo people are not freaky or scary. Those with the piercings are normally goths. Then again, technically goths are Anglo-Saxons, British ancestors. So they should be termed as ghouls and just be left to do what they wanna do. They're the really freaky ones. Masochists love self hurting, that is their psychological problem. Talking about emos so..

Anyway, emo culture is pretty interesting as well. For example, their music taste is pretty punk. Like Simple Plan and Secondhand Serenade. Granted, they are more mainstream pop and banking on emo kids for their money but their work is part of emo sub-culture. Not crazy death bands like Black Sabbath or AC/DC, those are not really emo.

However, the most iconic thing for emos is their poetry. Emos generally want to be distinguished from being pure hopeless fools and such. (Alright where am I going with this) I think it's pretty interesting and some emos can really write great poems. It's after all a form of self expression.

Just striked out that whole section about emos. Getting lost and side tracked. Anyway, my hobby is a freaky and disturbing one. I actually enjoy to spend time alone thinking about stuff. Yeah. No not, get your mind out of the gutter. But rather to find out the way things work and how people change and react to different situations. Got a more private mind.

I also like to observe people and how they carry out their lives. Examine their body language, seeing the way they move, how they react. Even predicting their background, sensing their problems, seeking their fears... yes I know I'm creepy!

But human psychology is a really interesting area to look into and learn more about. At least for me. Okay, got to get back to doing other stuff, instead of simply typing. Bye.

The whispers turn to shouting

The shouting turns to tears

Your tears turn to laughter

And it takes away our fears

And I'm doing away with the one word titles

2010-01-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

'Life is a song. Love is the music.'

~ Author Unknown

Alright, just checked my email (msn) and found this message under the junk folder. Decided to read it:

Content:

邀請你:		READ AND REPLY ME IMMEDIATELY.
(被主持人):		Usman Isa

日期:		2010年1月22日, 星期五
時間:		8:00 上午 - 9:00 上午 (GMT +00:00)
街道:		FROM MR ISA USMAN bills and exchange manager, bank of Africa (boa) Ouagadougou Burkina faso . Dear friend I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we never met before. I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($18.5 million dollars united states)to your account .after hearing from you i will give you more details about the transaction, and application which you will forward to the bank, and i agree that 40% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foreign account , and 60% would be for me thereafter, i will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentage indicated therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted. if you are interested please reply me immediately. isausman1@hotmail.de

你參加嗎？		回覆

Yea, so what should I do? Hmm.. first I'm gonna analyze what this message is about.

Hey dude, I don't like receiving messages titled "READ AND REPLY ME IMMEDIATELY." Am I like being forced to?
Notice the titles of the template is in Chinese? Even the date and time are in Chinese. Then the rest of the content is in English.
If you check the picture, it's sent from Yahoo Hong Kong Limited.
Apparently the person is from Africa
His name is Usman Isa. Come on! Usman? What sort of a name is that? (no offense to any Usmans reading this) Isa? That's the name of Jesus in the Quran/Koran
Next thing, his name in the text body is Isa Usman. Dude, don't contradict yourself!
Oh so you're the Bills and Exchange Manager? Learn to capitalize the first letters.
Wow you're from the Bank of Africa? Same thing, use capital letters.
(okay I honestly learnt this) You're from Ouagadougou? That's the capital of Burkina Faso!
Sending to me US$18.5 million? Definitely I want!!!
But wait, you're taking 60%? Screw you!!!

Alright, why not send the money to your own bank account? Plus, with all that grammar, are you really an educated bank manager? Okay I know it's clearly a scam but I think it's pretty interesting and funny how there are so many contradictions in his email. Go read and find them yourself :D

Funny huh, African man uses Chinese... damn he'll put me to shame!

Anyhow, 5 stars for trying!

That's it, hope it makes you laugh :D Sure made me

When you fall apart

Dry your eyes, dry your eyes

Life is always hard

For the Belle of the Boulevard

Search

2010-01-19T02:28:00.000-08:00

(So tempted to spill all the vulgarities here)...

insert: Crap crap crap!!! ARRGHH!!! and all other sorts of demonic sounds of pain and what not.

Okay not that bad. I'm in an emo mood once again, and so this whole post is going to be emo. Sigh..

So today is basically humanities day except for chem. It's on such days that I become emo. I really feel that during the language lessons, english and chinese, I just have no self confidence at all. And all sorts of emo-esque thoughts start to flood my mind.

I have really no freaking idea why that happens at all. English, I feel so unconfident in speech. I mean like what?! I've always been great at speaking (not trying to be zilian) and this had NEVER been a problem since sec sch. Things change perhaps.. just so much going on and it's painful. I stutter, in my heart I know I'm a failure... Damn what is wrong with me?

Chinese? Oh hell it's a whole other story. When I read the stuff to myself, I totally understand the words and the meaning and how to do etc etc. But when asked to read aloud or answer questions, my mind goes completely blank. Like wth? Of course I know I'm the worst in class for it and yada yada... but I wasn't always this way! Ahhhh what is going on?

Just finished my super overdue 作业. Wasn't that bad, main thing I had to fight against was laziness. Managed to overcome that. Chem revision test, I passed but the grade was too sucky for my class (read A1, smarties..) so I'm going to have a retest on Friday. Oh joy!

Physics revision test tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it. Oh yes and there's all the crazy maths. Really really hating my school life. Then again, just read Ziyad's blog, apparently studying ain't all that bad. Hopefully that point of realization would hit me soon. As of now, kinda drowning in the fear of work, studying and exams.

Alright, enough academics and work and all that emo crap. I need to blog about something entertaining.

Opps running out of time for blogging. Sorry!!!!

Celebrate

2010-01-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

'You are the music while the music lasts.'

~T.S. Elliot
Wow, 12.50am. Been a very long time since I've stayed up this late. Yea, kinda surprised others are up this late. Guess it's weekend, so time to enjoy a bit of the night life :)

So friday...

Whole day in school. Had bio spa in the morning, about burning biscuits. Pretty cool actually, used the flames generated by the heat as a gauge for the energy content in the biscuit. Horribly inaccurate though. Chinese, TCB wasn't in school. Ding Ni came in instead, got us to do 作文. On some ridiculous topic: 新学期，新希望. I mean it's just so unrealistic. You're never gonna get that for O levels. I mean there can be a different phrasing, eg. Hope. But never this. Basically some kill time stuff. Anyhow did it in school. Recess, I spent it at the 'Sky Bridge'. I really like that place. Lots of wind, I can really stare into the distance and just start thinking about stuff.

English, letter writing test (freaking easy) and went to the library. Apparently, we 'have not been reading enough' yada yada.. But really, it's simply because I don't have a book. I enjoy reading really. Borrowed Agatha Christie's 'A murder is announced'. So far I'm into chapter 2, doesn't really pull me like 'And there were none'.

Went to the clubroom after school. Joined the rest of them in the lab as they did some more wonderland stuff. Watched Gabriel Iglesias and played some retarded slime game. Slime soccer or something. Cute though. Can't believe Hui Yao was actually creating a flash platformer game. At least he was doing something productive [points finger at myself]

Oh and the usual friday dinner had a lot more people. Okay 6 sec 3s, 4 sec 4s. Went to Siglap kfc, bad bad decision. Not the location or dinning place, but the people. I mean the sec 3s are so freaking childish! Like taking little kindergarten tots to playgroup. Raarr.

Saturday, managed to sleep in till 10. My brother's birthday celebration. Didn't get him anything though :X I cooked mashed potatoes! Okay, maybe not cooked. More of like prepared? I don't know the technical terms haha. Had BBQ at the pit downstairs. Really love my home, it's very convenient with the pool, gym, pits all directly below. Alright, less words, more pics.

↑↑↑↑BBQ!!!↓↓↓↓

Tried taking a pic of Whitney eating lettuce, failed though..

Alright, so 3 pictures really isn't anything. I got videos though :)

Video of Jonathan rocking out!

Grand uncle Henry rocking out

Hahah I think he looks very very similar to a certain person lots of Victorians know...

They look alike don't they? HAHA hope I don't get in trouble for you know, putting Mr Maran's face up here. But it's for comparison.. all's well right?? Got Mr Maran's face from youtube, the batch of 07's grad video on superheroes. He's on the internet way before this.

So yea, at least that made me laugh. And that's all that matters right?

Come to decide that the things I've tried

Were in my life just to get high on

When I sit alone come get a little known

But I need more than myself this time

Shot

2010-01-14T02:42:00.000-08:00

'Never get angry. Never make a threat. Reason with people.'

~Mario Puzo

Boom. Feel sick today. Nothing serious, just cough and sore throat but took MC anyways. I feel it's better to take a day off to rest and cos I don't want it to spread etc. So managed to sleep in today (8.30) and have a good rest today :)

Oh but that comes at the expense of missing subjects in school today. + today's 9 sub day (ie class until 4). Well, I think I should be able to catch up on my own. Better than me going there as a safety hazard and potentially being sent back home.

Oh and on a really random note, I really like tim tams! Got sudden cravings for them today. Those little chocolate biscuits of happiness... but real bad timing. Chocolate + cough = even more sick. Roar! So yea, can't consume them. Ahhh!

Too bad.. :'(

So for a snack, I settled for something else, but just as nice. Mashed potatoes :) I don't know, just enjoy eating potato; soft, smooth and tasty. Also best hot, though I had mine cold. But still it's potato so yums!

Mine was no where that great looking

Alright sorry about that. Getting kinda delirious. Time to take a lasso and pull my brain where it belongs..

Haha, notice why in english, if you want to continue a statement etc, you use "..."? While for chinese it's "... ..."? Or maybe not?

Just remembered why I wanted to blog. My stupid iphone died again. I have no idea why it happens. Just a month or two ago during psltc, my phone died. That was when it was running low on battery and I was charging it. Then they played with the phone and next thing you know, poof! It died. Really freaked me out. The phone's back was heated.. really really hot! Almost till you can't touch it. So I went home (yes I did) and tried whatever I could to restart the phone. Put it in the charger too, didn't help. But I just decided to leave it there. An hour later, after pressing buttons (there's only 2 buttons), it managed to work.

This time today however, my battery was almost full. Was just replying some messages and then it died. At least I encountered it before, was less scared. Checked online and apparently, this is common! Just need to press and hold the top and front buttons for very long, before it works again.

Thing is, why should something like that happen? A phone should never die on you, or heat up to the point where it can injure someone... Maybe Apple planned it to be used as a last resort grenade. Like you can throw it and it can explode should WW3 happen.

Oh oh and er.. with everything that you eat, add this:

Dried crushed red peppers. Makes everything taste more spicy. A bit more italian-ish too (think pizza hut) Maybe it's just me but I really love it. Rice actually goes well with it too. Try it! Oh right I can't ==> sick remember?

Alright I'm getting way too delirious now. Meanwhile watch this.

One word: EPIC. Go watch other videos by him!

This love has taken it's toll on me

She said goodbye too many times before

And her heart is breaking apart in front of me

I have no choice, cause I won't say goodbye anymore

Attempt

2010-01-12T04:22:00.000-08:00

'To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle.'

~ George Orwell

I've set up a personal blog. Since this one is starting to get crowded with freaking emo stuff. Well tbf my life lately, my thoughts are all in the emo league. Well, go see the personal blog if you wanna read. (warning, used vulgarities and all sorts of disgusting stuff) Link's somewhere on the blog.

Okay so I'm pretty scared for O levels right now... I mean I've seen those with 6 points and those with 16. At this point of time, I'm really not going to get anywhere in the O's. Worried like crazy. So I'm really really going to start now. From tomorrow 13/1/10 onwards, I'm going on a media fast. ie. no facebook, youtube, blogging etc. As for now, I'll still msn.

So as now I try to maximize my time for studying, I know that I have basically 1 year's load to catch up on. Great. I've been delaying, somehow I think I can do well... utter bull. Enough with the daydreams, I need to get my life back on track.

I guess I will be going complete lockdown as well. No going out, slacking with friends, wasting time on the internet etc. Got to really get down to business and settle this once and for all. 9 subjects really is a lot and I want to gun for 6 points and all distinctions. I know it seems really really far fetched, and at this point of time I can probably at best secure a 18 point score. Which basically sucks.

I don't want to become the type who "remember what you don't remember in exams". I want to be 100% confident in the papers. I have to, even if it's pride that's driving me. Greed too, since I can't afford to settle for less. With that said, it's time to gear up and throw the other stuff behind.

I have a very strong hunch that this plan will become another "I tried to, but can't keep to it" plan. No! I can't afford to have that ANYMORE. Seriously. This is a wake up call, and no more pressing the 'snooze' button.

Moving on, it's important that I remain well both physically and mentally well. Trying to make it a point to exercise more and eat healthily. Can't afford to grow fat in battling O's! Practicing my handwriting too. So far not too bad, I can confidently write in cursive well... in pencil. Thanks to the times spent in class doodling words on books and papers. Pen, that's another story. Yup, gotta keep practicing.

Mentally, I personally feel that I'm not sound. Been pondering about it and I'm certain now that I should see a counselor. I hope that the school's one isn't too bad, or I'll just resort to calling a hotline one. Well, frankly there's a lot of depressing thoughts up in my head. Been plaguing and polluting my head; it's really affecting me socially and academically. The purpose for the counseling is to find someone to pour my feelings out on, preferably the person not knowing me personally and not being judgemental. And yes, don't need someone to go around spreading my problems yada yada...

Opps sorry dived into emo mode again. So well, this is the end of a short blog post. Chances are I won't be updating until at least Saturday? So until then, to those of you who read my blog, thank you! Really appreciate the fact that someone bothers to spend a few minutes to read what I have to type out here. Also once again, PLEASE TAG! THANK YOUUUUU!

Till the roof comes off

Till the lights go out

Till my legs give up

Can't shut my mouth

Stay

2010-01-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

'Wherever you go, go with all your heart.'

~ Confucius

It's been a while since I updated, well simply because I ~~couldn't be bothered~~ couldn't find the time to blog. (don't you love strikeouts?) So, first week of school wasn't really that bad. Though I felt I didn't learn that much :X

Okay in review,

E maths graphs are nonsensical. But not too bad haha. Just need to make sense: type n equation = type n graph.
A maths differentiation, even worse. Still don't understand what it's about but I know how to apply the formula and solve the questions so should suffice for now.
Chemmy metals is relatively easy. Memorized the reactivity series. Sure there's the mnemonic, but this one's way better! Made by seniors :D
Bio's eye is pretty short but with lotsa words and terms and what not. S*xual reproduction is not too bad.
Phy waves are so cool! Swoosh!
Hist/SS is pretty screwed. Yea, learnt that you can score in SBQs with only 1 paragraph, not wasting time writing all the other shit.
Geog development is pretty neat. And very relevant
Chinese is screwed. Nuff' said
English is quite okay, so far

Alright, got that out. Been sticking to my plans so far. Except the saturday one. Okay nevermind.

Anyway, today when breakfasting at BK, I heard Right Here Waiting on the radio.

Totally can't believe they played that! It's like a freaking old 1980s song that I don't think many people know about anyway. It's such a beautiful song.

Oceans apart, day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice, on the line

But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never

How can we say forever

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Oh can't you see it baby

You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive

This romance

But in the end if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

Oh can't you see it baby

You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I really felt that those words had so much meaning, and that it actually described what I felt (and am feeling) right now. You can see the previous entry here. Well now, I just feel that something's changed. You've changed. I still hold on to the past memories that never were. Just like the sand by the sea; they're always washed away but not all leave.

Well, I gotta go sleep. Not like you're gonna read this.

P.S. sorry for yet another emo post.

As we go on, we remember

All the times we had together

As our lives change, come whatever

We'll always be friends forever

Awakening

2010-01-04T05:05:00.000-08:00

'Patience is the ability to countdown before you blast off.'

~Author Unknown

A new perspective

And for the first time I have a plan. For this year (or at least 10 weeks)

So basically I've got O levels coming up. Totally unprepared for it. Hell I'm extremely unconfident of my sec 3 work. Let me sit for a CA1 sec 3 paper and I'll show you an E8. Definitely I have to change. So that's why I came up with a plan.

Academics:

Going to become a mugger. Yes, that means study. So I've got this study plan laid out.

Monday: A maths & Chem

Tuesday: E maths & History

Wednesday: Geog & Physics

Thursday: Bio & Chinese

Friday: English + other subject(s)

Saturday: Revision for all subs

Sunday: Rest + light revisions

Per day, complete one chapter notes on subject. Eg on Monday, finish notes on logarithms for A maths. Per week, complete 3 chapters of assessment per subject. That doesn't count school h/w which comes as the first priority.

Yup, I kinda scared myself. But this must be done. (roar what did you condemn yourself to?) Esp after my horrid results last year (even clocking 40 points in term 3 :X), I must redeem myself! So yea, start early and in Mr Chen's words, "Eliminate last minute school culture."

Entertainment

Now now can't have all work and no play right? Anyway I can't survive without any entertainment. So I've got plans for that too.

Per weekday, maximum of 1 hour on computer. Which is basically Youtube, Facebook, Gamesradar etc etc.. including blogging. So yea, may not be updating like everyday already.

Now another thing that takes up A LOT of my precious time is Saturdays. Normally I will spend Friday night out with itc guys and then come home, play the night away and wake up for lunch. Well, sadly no more. I'm gonna wake up at 6.30am on Saturdays (I don't think I can do it). Yup, start the day early. Go for a morning jog, have a good breakfast then mug.

Well well, max 3 hours on computer for Saturdays, so that ain't so bad :D But still, no slacking!

And I'm typing this within my 1 hour entertainment allocation and there's only 10 minutes left!

Spiritual

Haha, like the way it sounds. Make it seem so holy. Ok right, taking the word of God in vain (breaking the ten commandments! :X) Basically, none of this would be possible without God. And I've found myself so far away from Him. So I'm trying to reestablish my relationship with Him and that all things will work out for the better.

Daily: Reading of scripture, 4 chapters a night. Planning to finish new testament in 10 weeks.

Weekly: Going back for youth service (sat evening), corporate service (sun morning) and probably evening service.

Without God, I've really been struggling with life. I can't seem to balance my things and am failing in everything I do. Gotta put God first and everything else will fall into place :D

With that, I've completed what I need to blog about for today and am proud to stick to the schedule so far! Except playing cards in school, that is my weakness. So yup, even when there's temptation, I can't falter and fail again. No more, seriously.

And as the saying goes, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." Which is what I'm totally gonna avoid. No more failures this time. Oh just found out that I'm so gonna break my plan. Sec 1 campfire on tomorrow night. Yea bye tomorrow's schedule. Gone with tha' wind.

P.S. thinking of going on a media fast

P.S.S. read more if I don't update!

And who cares, divine intervention

I wanna be praised from a new perspective

But leaving now would be a good idea

So catch me up, I'm getting out of here

Stuggles

2010-01-01T10:14:00.001-08:00

'Kindness is the greatest wisdom.'

~ Author unknown

And yes, we really are in a new year. Still in disbelief, definitely not ready for it. And officially a sec 4, "seniors" of the school.

And on the 30th, I received my black shirt from Mr Siow. Like wow. I mean, this whole Victorian experience came full circle. 3 years ago I first stepped into the Victorian campus, donning a newly bought (now limited edition) cloth bumblebee pe shirt complete with matching shorts, high socks (another limited edition) and vs shoes. Yea there were vs shoes, which were destroyed after 3 months of usage. 3 years ago on that very day, 30th dec I was first introduced to the school.

For me, I had no one I knew. Being the only pupil from Evergreen Pri to enter VS, I really didn't know what to expect. On orientation day, I first met my class, other primary six kids. And from that very day, I became a part of Victoria, and a member of 1A.

Of course, in 2009 as a sec 3, two other friends followed me into the class of 3D, the first 9 sub class in the history of VS. They've been my uber good friends, Jun Yew and Yong Kiat. Project buddies since sec 1, we always made sure our weeks slogging at past 2am (expect jy with his bedtime :P) were not waste and in fact our lowest TFU grade was an 80%. Sure other good friends took the easy way out and are members of a different Victorian family.

2009 was supposed to be fantastic, but it was not. At least to me. Sure, from an outside perspective it may have seem great. I've got tons of friends, exco for both cca and psb, got to go for conventions, in the top class etc.

But truth is, that whole year had really screwed me up. In fact, I really don't feel I deserve to have the black shirt. I got it by a cheap way == psb exco. Hell getting into the exco is a different story, filled with bs politics and underhand methods... but the biggest fail of all was letting my cca teacher down.

Even now as Mr Quek is in London getting his masters, I know he will always remember me as his wasted student. I've covered this before and so.. okay got to stop emoing.

Yesterday's post was a great relief to myself. Managed to pump out all those ridiculous hormones and feelings and what not. It brought me down, but I laid it all out. Today, I feel slightly more at ease.

But even now as I'm in 2010, and with the new title as an SPSL and black shirt, I must change. I know it's not my nature to be all happy and be a perfect example but I must. Even if I was a failure last year, I will not allow this to carry over into the new year. Fight the good fight, it's sec 4, the most critical year I've ever lived.

Must the words veloci-t be printed there?

It's my struggle, my battle. Even if the odds are stacked against me and psychologically I am unfit, I am willing to persevere and wipe out all the obstacles. Nil Sine Labore as the motto goes, and now it's my responsibility to be the embodiment of the notion.

Yea, that helped clear up some doubts and all other fears. The new black shirt looks kinda weird with the print of veloci-t though. Whatever it is, I need to live this year right. No more screwing around and daydreaming. Remember it's make or break.

With that, goodbye. Time for rest and more dreams about the future.

You're not alone, together we stand

I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand

When it gets cold and it feels like the end

There's no place to go, you know I won't give in

Anew

2009-12-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

'You know you're finally in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.'

~ Dr. Suess

It's 2010.

That's right, a new year. It's a new year that I start my life right.

At the same time it's time to let go. I've had this struggle for the longest time, with the stupid flurry of thoughts racing through my mind.

I hate to say it, but now looking at it from hindsight I know it's infatuation. Hate that term, it makes the whole feeling feel so cheap and "by chance". But that's the truth, gotta live with it.

What about love, neither here nor there

Really when I first met you last year, I was immediately drawn to you. Yes, creepy I know. Though I thought you were a year older. When I learnt you were my age, well I thought I stood a chance.

Kinda kept my distance, stealing glances at you. But at that time when you asked for my number, inside of me I felt an excitement I didn't feel before. The first few smses, I kept and reviewed them everyday. Recalling the moments.

But it was only a few days. Soon I didn't hear from you. Days turned to weeks and soon the need to talk to you was overwhelming. Fb was impersonal and I just felt plain stupid. So with one ridiculous move, I lied messaging you saying that I thought I saw you on the train.

That worked. I became able to talk to you again. Just the next day, we managed to meet but I never said a thing, just stood around like a total retard. On the saturday where I chatted to you on fb, you gave me your msn, which was probably my highest then. I still remember the date and saved our first convo.

I started to know you better, your likes, dislikes, even your ex. Most of all, what drew me the most was after finding out you were a God fearing christian like myself. Even now, you are to me the perfect person. Smarts, looks, personality, character; you possess everything a guy could ever want in a girl.

Our conversations became daily. If msn was not an option then it was sms. Then came the time where you lost your book. At that moment, I desperately wanted to help you. Genuinely, I tried to hunt for a second hand one but could not find. Reading your blog which you gave me the add, I saw you asked others for help as well. But no, I wanted to be the one to get it for you. I lied again, saying I found someone selling a new book. Truth is, I travelled to payar lebar to search for it, it wasn't there. Went all the way to bras bersah to buy the $30 book.

To sell the lie, I told you it was $10. On that very day, I went to pasir ris just to meet you, only to find you didn't check your messages. But it's okay. The coming Saturday we met at bedok and I handed you your book. On that day, I must tell you you looked so beautiful. Naturally, I just shied and once the book was handed, we left.

Even now as I go to the bedok station to wait for my bus, the meeting still plays back in my mind. You're still on my mind, even now.

So soon I started to know you a lot better. Till the extent you called me your close friend, shared with me your fears, gave me your blog add.. all these things were really special to me. To tell the truth, I was completely obsessed over you. My thoughts would be clouded with images of you, thoughts about you.

Every time I try to stop obsessing, I can't. I never had the willpower to. You're so perfect, unlike the other girls around. You were someone really special, I even thought God placed you in my life, to be the one.

But it's a new year. I'm making the stand, the commitment to obsess over you less. We're young, there's a lot more important things in our time now. But the main reason is, I don't know if you like me the way I do.

I'm not taking the chance, I don't want our friendship to fall. I am still very much crazy about you but I'm trying to tone it down. Screw the hormones and all, but this time I am really working on it. I've not msned you, even though I almost always see you online. Temptation's really great but I will overcome it.

Anyway, I doubt you will see this. And as stated, it's a new year. 3 days ago I wouldn't have dared to type all these out. But I need to get over it, over this. Telling you would really help me clear it up but I just don't dare to. This way, I can tell myself to slowly let you go from my mind.

I'm still crazily over you since the day I first saw you, what I am working on is removing the obsession I have. Sorry for all the lies. But they were only the two instances you see here. Even around, I don't think any girl can hold a candle to you. You're the epitome of beauty, the perfect girl. Even if we could never be, you're a benchmark to all other girls in my life and no one comes close to you.

I still keep every message you sent, every conversation we had. Yes that much obsessing. It's just unhealthy for me. I got to get over it. Hell I look through them every night before I sleep. Goes without question you're the one I dream about.

With that, 2010 will be a breakthrough year, the year of change. I'm sorry... I just want to stop being a hopeless romantic obsessing over you. I still love you the same, surely love chatting with you about anything. But the obsession is unhealthy and it has to die.

Time to start anew.

Do you catch a breath when I look at you

Are you holding back the way I do

Cause' I've tried and tried to walk away

But I know this crush is not going away

Reflections

2009-12-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

'Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.'

~Ivrin S Cobb

Since the year is over (not yet, but I'll count it as over) it's time once again for reflection. Frankly, this year has been one crazy ride, with major highs and rock bottom lows. As always, start with the positives.

Lists are just whatever comes to mind first, not in priority. Sure you can argue what comes first is what is most dear to you yada yada... well that's your opinion.

Ups of 09'

Getting to meet and know so many more people
Being a part of Victoria
Peer Support Board and IT Club
Asean Youth Convention
People met in AYC
Peer Support Convention
Camps
Camping over in school almost all the time
Cards
Climbing
Baptism
Repaired laptop and new phone

Downs of 09'

Doing miserably for studies
Looked down upon by CCA teachers
"Maniac Depression" for one period of time
Loss of trust
No close friends
Being fake and delusional
Wasting my life on useless things
Sloth
Ungrateful
a lot a lot more...

Just felt that my ups were more on social attributes and time spent with others. Downs were more of being a disappointment and facing disappointment. Really, I'm naturally more emo-ish and insecure and that plain sucks. As much as I try to be more apathetic and "stronger", inside I'm just frail, brittle and weak.

I've fallen far without God and can't find Him. I know it's my fault but I just can't get back on track. 2010 isn't going to seem any better and to be frank, I really don't look forward to it. I'm not ready for the challenge. I never will be.

This downward spiral was chosen by me, I will have to live it. The hard painful way. Sorry to be suck a heartbreak. Sorry to be such a failure. Sorry for being me, being around and causing all the problems and pain.

Words can't change anything, and pathetic crying won't create miracles. Neither does the truth sound anymore comforting.

2009 was probably one, if not the worst year for me and I've got nothing more to say. Just two words.

Wasted wonder. Sums it all up. In your words. Thanks, you were definitely right.. very thin down to the core. Hope you're happy.

With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes

I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do

You're an angel disguised

Gift

2009-12-24T02:23:00.001-08:00

'I believe in equality for all, except reporters and photographers.'

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

This pretty much sums it up: I'm lazy and couldn't be bothered to blog. Merry Christmas

Haha I'm just messing around. Sure I'll blog. It's been like 12 days since I blogged after all. All the poor readers who had nothing more to read. So basically for the time I've been away, I was enjoying winter. Yups, Korea baby! And it was nicely chilly. Miss the -17 degrees temperature. It's a luxury to freeze and grow numb and all.

And I managed to see snow! Yes the little white flakes falling from the sky. And the thing interesting is that, snow doesn't fall when it's too cold. So like -17 it doesn't but at -10 it does. And Koreans love their steamboat. Literally every meal was steamboat. Okay save for 2 BBQ pork meals and 1 Ginseng chicken. The rest of the seven days, steamboat steamboat steamboat. Oh and kimchi. Never liked it here, didn't enjoy it there. Just weird. But found a new love~ Seaweed. Korean seaweed is soo much nicer. Like less salty, more "seaweed" taste and crispier.

Oh and another thing, Koreans have cool/weird fashion. Cool as in their winter wear looks so so so much better than the frumpy padded jacket I was wearing. Spent most of the time only wearing a sweater though, able to tahan the cold :) And there're so weird like abnormal sized bows (on heads), everything fluffy and even a horse head. (bought that)

Koreans are really healthy and literally no fat people around. So yea I stick out like a sore thumb. A fat ugly throbbing thumb. Okay I don't have pictures now, it's with my dad so can't post anything.

Well and to end off, have a super happy Christmas! Gonna have celebration meals for the next few days.

The lights go out and I can't be saved

Tides I've tried to swim against

Have brought me down upon my knees

Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing

Contrast

2009-12-13T02:11:00.000-08:00

"Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels."

~Anonymous

I've ran out of ideas to blog.

As soft winds sweep away the days

I look back on life through a haze.

Remember playgrounds, parks and friends,

In childlike gaze that never ends.

The laughter in a game of catch,

Shall memory ever attach...

To innocence in youthful eyes,

Catching the ball to Dad's surprise.

I recall my first bike, first wreck,

Who picked me up, said, "What the heck?"

Convinced me to give one more try,

While, knees skinned, I forgot to cry.

Just the joy knowing he was there,

Making him proud my only care.

There was nothing I couldn't do,

My heart held fast that to be true.

Though teenage years were kind of rough,

I sure wasn't too big or tough.

You taught me to defend what's right

And never back down from a fight.

So I learned the hard way to stand,

Still, with each lump, I found your hand.

Drawing from you an inner strength,

And stubborn pride of equal length.

But there the line of fate was drawn,

As though I blinked and you were gone.

I found myself facing the sun,

Not man, not boy, fatherless, one.

Eyes blinded by a void inside,

I could not live that you had died.

Alas finding it to be true,

I could do nothing without you.

Please, Dad, today just hear my call,

I'm sorry that I dropped the ball.

My life is wrecked, my knees are skinned,

My emotions undisciplined.

I can't get up although I try,

Please don't be upset if I cry.

Though I can't fight what I can't see,

Please, Dad, say you're still proud of me.

-Please Dad by Michael Anderson

Sad poem really. Hahah I'm a freaking emo guy. But it's quite true, this motion of always wanting to prove your own worth. At least for me. I'm pretty insecure really and always fall prey to this. Never really got over esteem issues though.

He's your hero, like it or not

It's the worst feeling to experience your father saying he disapproves or is disappointed in you. Many others have never experienced it, don't try. The kind of emotions that come with that.. you can really cry yourself to sleep. Even if you claim: "It ain't gonna bother me", truth is, it does. All the way to the core.

Words can really be hurting, and they can really tear a person down. To beyond the edge of saving. Gone to the person.

Next thing, why is it wrong to be emo? Like when someone becomes emo, then people either make fun or get angry. Look, not everyone can be high and all and it's difficult to always be happy. Or rather stay happy. It isn't an insult to be emo, it's an expression.

Another thing, sorrow is an emotion not really explored into. And personally, I think it's the most destructive one. Anger takes on physical manifestation and will cool off. Sorrow is accumulative and it destroys from the inside. Every moment slowly eating you, bit by bit you feel more and more miserable.

Finally, the best way to help someone out of being emo is not leaving him alone. Sure, they may say it helps to be alone. Well, no it doesn't. As much as "alone not lonely" does bear some truth, being alone allows more chance for the person to be lonely, where manifestation of sorrow would occur. Neither should the person be in a group, because that is also another manner in which loneliness can occur. It's easy to feel not part of a group.

The best way to help is actually being with the person. Just a one on one time. This way, there is no way the person can feel lonely. It's possible, but every hard to. Get the person to share what's troubling, don't question. They just need someone to hear them out. At this stage, not advice. Make sure you're in tune to the person and listen to the person as he speaks, make occasional sounds like "mm" and "i see" to show you're really listening. Eye contact (same gender is advisable) maintained and lean slightly towards the emoer. Yea emoer.

Finally when ending of, don't be apathetic. Also, try to abstain from sympathy. Like "I'm so sorry for you". No, they don't need someone to feel sorry for them. Be empathetic. As he was talking to you, listen out to the main cause of hurt. The underlying emotion. Most of the time it's hidden but you will have a hunch to identify it. Because that's conscience working. Remember to show love too. If applicable, a sincere hug is one of the most comforting actions you can do. Also, follow up on the person, show you're concerned with his life.

Haha... really typed out all those stuff on my own. Except the poem. Knowing little bits of human psychology is useful. Just my little strange interest area. Yea I'm freaky.

Without it all

I'm choking on nothing

It's clear in my head

That I'm screaming for anything

Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all

Palliate

2009-12-12T02:34:00.000-08:00

'Self truth is the essence of heroism'

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Done in PSLTC :)

Leaving in 3 days time. Fast. Nope, bag not packed yet. Probably start packing on Monday, realize stuff are missing and then run to Mustafa to get it. Yea, love 24h shopping.

Btw, yesterday well, a certain guy kinda did something really really stupid. Happy smoked cigs with two other friends and got photographed. Guess what? Now it's on Stomp. Okay, so a few thing's I'm gonna post on this.

First, why must he go smoke? I mean he has a future but really threw it away. Somehow I don't think he is to blame. Well that was what I thought of before. I mean I've talked to him and really don't think he's the kind to carry on but instead he did. Smart. Now with his picture up on the stupid website for the country to see, there goes his future. To you, hope you can get out of this cycle altogether.

Yes this stupid site

Next, I hate Stomp. Got the link from a friend. I just hate the way it is run. It's like a little avenue where pathetic cowardly S'poreans can complain, bitch and tear down other people. Hell they don't even censor the peoples' faces. It's a public shaming site where people only do two things in the comments.

1. Be super slanted towards the argument presented. Eg. Ya lor, these youth ar, anyhow smoke la, eat in the bus etc etc.

2. Be super anti-argument. Eg. Like how you know is youth ar? Not like you ah pek never do like that etc. etc.

Both groups are equally STUPID! I mean, can't they just take things into perspective? Simply because they get to be "anonymous" online doesn't mean they can carry out a full scale war of words! And to think that this little webbie is getting so much attention as "Singapore Seen". WTH man!

Oh and the best part is, their little forum things, well they're used as... NEWS PAPER ARTICLES! Haha wow, so what is trashily put on this pseudo citizen journalism site is used as actual print news. Amazing! No wonder our Singapore news is known as one of the worst in Asia by the west...

Okay now that all that angst is out, there's just one more thing that I want to complain about, Mixpod. You know, now they make it so that "mp3 players" on their website; the nice looking ones, can run the music tracks anymore. Why? The music tracks are bloody Youtube videos so you need a mp3 + video player to play. And all these other players are mad huge and fugly. Too bad though, I used the Mixpod original one and since the size can't be shrunk, I simply cut it to fit. So yea, right at the bottom where you see the player half cut... I did it. Purposely.

Alright, shall be going off to the airport soon for dinner and to send Pastor Joseph and the Fiji missions' team.

Check yes Juliet I'll be waiting

Wishing, wanting yours for the taking

Just sneak out and don't tell a soul goodbye

Wind

2009-12-11T03:54:00.000-08:00

'Take the time to come home to yourself every day'

~Robin Casarjean

When the wind blows

It's been 3 days since I posted. Well, not much has happened really. Yup, back to boring old me. The thing is, tomorrow will mark a day where a couple of people who I know pretty well are leaving. Missions.

Uncle Danny and his family, they're going to India for a 2 year mission trip. It's really commendable, especially since Adilia is also going. So her 3 years of secondary school education seems quite wasted. Even more so is missing O levels next year. It's a choice I don't think I'll be able to make so wow. Really respect her for that.

The other group will be Pastor Joseph and his family who are going to Fiji for 3 years. As the missions pastor there. Well tbf, he was the one who helped me adjust into the new R7 church. And really has been there for me personally, especially through my really tough time (alright, I sound old). As the Regional Pastor, he has been such a great blessing to the church and all.

So yea, two farewells tomorrow. And my own on the 15th. Haha okay, just a short trip to Korea. Bought all the things needed for the trip, including a freaking nice pair of white leather sneakers! At $59, Pedro. I think it's a good deal, don't know if it is actually.

There's this topic I'd like to post but it's major huge, personal and anger-ful so I guess I won't. Btw, completed this post in 15 mins.

*Update* Just saw something saddening. To you, all the best.

I'll leave when the wind blows

Take a breath and away it goes

I'll be outside of your window

I'll pass by but I'll go slow

I'll leave when the wind blows

Lost

2009-12-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

'They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.'

- Mahatma Gandhi

And there's no one there

Okay I have already failed what I planned to do. I haven't done any work and I've been slacking all this while. WTS really. Roar, I really ain't going to be able to finish anything at this rate. But why?

No motivation? Too slacked? I really don't know. And it's scary. Like I really don't know where I'm going, and I just can't make it at all. So much for all the stupid dreams, when there's no foundation to secure it.

There's just something that's out of place in life. And I think I just got it. God. As in Christ, being the first priority in life. I've really neglected Him, been eons ago since I actually prayed and trust. Always having excuses, my faith is always in doubt. I want to be able to really love and worship Him, but I think I've drifted really really far off this time.

I mean, I really just don't know. Feeling so lost and misguided. Then again I can't really remember when was it that I actually felt rooted or assured. Emoing again. But thing is... I, I am just so lost and this whole fear's eating me up.

Okay, feeling really afraid right now. Worried about well, everything. Sure great stuffs happen but I am really not in the mood to talk about them. No.

Maybe I should just pray, get some inner peace or something. God please, help me.

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Done

2009-12-07T08:52:00.001-08:00

'Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.'

~ Palmer Sondreal

Full moon!

You know the other time I wanted to have a new blog template and stuff, well I kinda did it. Got a new template. There's like so many out there, but I wanted something different. So I went for this black grey themed thing. And also it looks freaking emo haha.

So to continue the emo thing, I changed the playlist to play more emo-ish songs. Okay, real emo songs are really really freaky. I mean like for eg, Buried a Lie by Senses Fail.

It's like a freaking murder/death and the whole thing is just... erm go see for yourself. Heard it from Tap Tap, one of the songs you can play. Arrgh it was freaking disturbing ok? Similarly with Eminem 3a.m. Seriously weird-ish...

Alright, enough with this, it's getting really late (1am). 2 hours away from the witching hour, yes I'm getting tired. So just a couple of things to fill in on. I'm going to only show one post so do click the Older Posts thing to read more. Also, tag!

Yea, that's that for now. Goodnights!

He said you're amazing

She said then why you waiting

No more deliberating

What'cha doin' let's get to it

Just like that yeah

Return

2009-12-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

'Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyways.'

- Emory Austin

And the road goes on

I've got to get my life back on track. Haven't started on my holiday work yet and I have this little 6 days to complete them all. And the worst part is, I have really forgotten all my content. As in literally. I'm like staring at printed ink and really can't do anything. Scary.

So within these few days, I have worked out what I am going to do.

Monday 7 Dec: Read through Bio, complete all Bio work

Tuesday 8 Dec: Complete Physics and English

Wednesday 9 Dec: Complete E Maths

Thursday 10 Dec: Complete Chemistry

Friday 11 Dec: Complete A Maths

Sat/Sun: Complete History & Social Studies

Leavin' on the 15th, so gotta get this done and done with!

Also, I came up with my own plan that I must stick to.

- Wake up a 7am, go for run and gym.

- Breakfast at 8

- Read through textbooks and do notes until lunch

- After lunch, complete assignments and do more notes

- Dinner

- Start on next subject

Also, I'm going to implement some limitations that will extend until before prelims

Spend 1 hour a day on Youtube, Facebook etc.
3 hours per day studying
Spending less time in school wasting time
Notes on every subject
Games only on weekends, max 3 hours

I know it's hard for me to do so, and in fact I have ever came up with such plans but never carried on. So this time, I must change. There's O levels coming up and I must score like super imba well for it. (6 points, must!) and so that means that many more sacrifices must be made. Sure, it may be disastrous to chiong studies alone, but I think it's necessary.

With that, I'll be blogging a lot less. A lot a lot less. So yea, it may not be updated and such. (as if anyone reads :P) For one, I'm totally not a mugger and I can't mug. Going to put in a hell lotta' effort in mugging. Starting, now.

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

Phase

2009-12-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

'Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.'

- Cullen Hightower

Phew, that last post was exhausting. Just thinking of changing the blog template and song. Okay, Mixpod is incredibly easy to change, so that can be done any day. I could make a blog template, but it'll take up too much time. So I guess, shall just look for one to 'cope' and paste.

Anyway, gotta go get some leather shoes for Korea. Really don't feel like spending the cash on a pair of shoes I'm probably not going to wear again, but it's necessary. So there goes the money. Easily $70, and that's the cheapest range :(

Alright, there's freaking holiday homework left to be completed, that sucks. I haven't started on any one yet and I've only this week left to finish it all. Damn it!!!

Got new IEMs, Hippo VB. Thanks to Mr Quek. Well, Jaben sponsored the camp with 3 IEMs and we gave 2 out as prizes, the VB was for Mr Quek since he was leaving. Then he said he appreciates the offer but instead passes it to me. Woah. I don't think I deserve it, since I've MIA most of the time. Though it wasn't really my fault. Besides the point.

So yea, that's what life is. Man, why must I sound like a freaking old man ready to die with all the emo crap. Lala. Wanna go buy stuff, but can't anyhow spend money too. That's it. Bye.

This can't be the real world now

I don't believe it when I can't see the truth

Welcome to the real world now

When all our carried in now just to poison you

Mega

2009-12-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

'Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth.'

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Time for a huge post. (29 Nov - 4 Dec)

~~*Pictures not totally uploaded. Will continue uploading later!*~~ Too many pics, check fb for the rest

Sunday, 29 Nov

Prepared to stay over in school. Stuffed everything I needed into a bag I didn't use anymore. Bad choice of bag. Overstuffed and bulky. Went to Thaipan for dinner at Mandarin Gardens. First time my family went there, apparently they like it. So, reached school around 6.30pm. Met Jonathan, Berwin and Safi there. Played a bit of soccer and cards before going to PastaMania for dinner. I just coped food from them.

Came back and played more cards. Safi climbed up first to do his project thing. Later on, he left to Mustafa to buy DV cable. The three of us, after delaying and delaying, climbed up at around 10.30. My first time climbing without any assistance, so I felt it was not bad. Also helped improve my own confidence. Spent some time at the sky bridge with them going through the next day's plans. Slept around 1am.

Monday, 30 Nov

Kept waking up in the middle of the night to adjust myself. Finally awoke at 7am and when we opened the clubroom door, Mustaqim and Terrence were waiting outside the door. Woah. They came like super early. They didn't expect us to be overnighting. Washed up and gathered them all in the canteen.

There were like only 4 sec 2s at 8.30am. It was really a joke. Anyway, things still had to go on. So, got Jacob to call Kian Ming. I ~~talked~~ forced him to come for camp. Surely he was pissed, but it's my camp and I'm gonna make sure that there's attendance.

Started the Day 0 unofficial camp with vigor. Berwin led them in some 1hour long PT. Met Hadi and got him to come after he bought books. Terrence later left to buy books and returned. So by the time we started soccer, there were 6 sec 2s. Played soccer all the way. Played keeper, got whacked by the ball many times :P but did not let in many goals :D

Lunch at ECP, duck rice. It's like the only thing there worth taking. Yea, seriously. So when they came back, the other sec 3s brought them to the parade square to cheer while Ian, Jonathan and I ordered BBQ food and stuff. Ian later did his ~~IT Club~~ Infocomm Club talk. Berwin and I left to go buy mess tins, tomy cookers and what not for cookout.

Thanks to Adrian for getting the location of the army shop behind Bedok Stadium. Managed to buy the stuff and went back to school. Talk was over and it was bath time for them. Apparently they thought cup noodles for dinner. When I said it was pizza, you should have seen their faces instantly light up. Troublesome, difficult, but managed to get them to cooperate and make pizza ordering easier. Then, 6.15pm! Time to go into hiding.

The two Nics, Hui Yao and Ervin were in the clubroom with Kian Ming, Jacob, Mustaqim and Terrence. Basically those who haven't climbed before. Jonathan and Ian took Hadi with them, Berwin and I took Hui Han. Walked around the school before finally going to the canteen and just talk. Pizza man called so Hui Han and I went to collect the pizza. So he and I were carrying 5 pizzas each and we went up the stairs when Berwin met the aunty. Damn. So while she was distracted, I brought Hui Han to another hiding spot and just talked to him about sec 3 life and his priorities for the new year. Got a call from Jonathan, apparently they lost Ian. So fine, I told them to go to another hiding spot and hide it out. Berwin got lost from that group and then kept coming to where I was and left, repeating it. I got him to stay to avoid even more attention.

So finally when the coast was clear, those of us outside met up at the amphitheater and called the clubroom guys out. Pizza dinner, everyone was happy. Later on, up to the sky bridge for some random sharing session. After that, played card till about 12, where we got everyone to sleep. Went exploring with Ian and Berwin and we slept at the amphitheater.

Tuesday, 1 Dec

Woke up at 7. Spent the night waking up and tossing and turning. Ian moves his feet when sleeping. Weird. Washed up and got everyone in the canteen at 8. Waited for the sec 1s to come and those who were late "sabo"-ed all the juniors into having more pushups to do. Ryan led them in PT then played some basketball/soccer. Cluedo came up next and I got them to pose for pictures before getting their clues :D

EMO

SEXY

DRUNK

CUTE

GAY

HAHAHA! so next was lunch which was pretty sucky. Spicy mee goreng with nuggets and chicken and samosa. Kinda crap. Anyway, next was treasure hunt but I was MIA, having PSB meeting. Waste of time actually. Came back and then played soccer. Seniors + Alumni VS Juniors. Not bad actually. Then it was water games. When I went upstairs to get Kian Ming's phone, met Shira there. Talked and then he left to play water games while I went Siglap to buy cookout food. Damn, I must say on the way there I was already so tired of camps.

Bought the stuff from Fairprice and saw this packet of balloons shaped like... erm, contraceptions. Didn't take any pictures. So it was instant noodles and sausages for dinner, and bread and kaya for breakfast. Walking back, I really felt so dead, just so ready to just quit camp, get it over with.

Back in school, set up the mess tins and tomy cookers and watch them cook their dinner. Apparently the noodles were plain and so Ian gave them Milo sachets. Milo with noodles. And they loved it. Something went wrong somewhere...

Gordon with his noodles!

Milo Mee, Self cooked (not by me)

Oh and I saw a bus break down. Hahaa! Pictures of the SBS tow truck trying to tow the bus away.

At night, they played caterpillar and had some other slack stuff which I can't remember and went to sleep.

Wednesday, 2 Dec

Woke up at 7. Slept really well in the PSB room on the sofa. Brought them out for PT and then Ryan led them for another round of PT. Next was breakfast

Run Baby RUN!!!

Rest

FALL IN!

KNOCK IT DOWN!

Ryan down

Sit ups

One more time

Even Shira's running

Don't walk!

Uncle Foo says hi!

Sorry if the rest feels rushed, I've been typing for well over an hour and my mind's blanking out.

After breakfast, it was amazing race for them, I didn't participate. Following photos courtesy of Jonathan.

Planning where to go

Locations

I was instead in school, slacking and talking with the alumni. Went out to lunch with Ahmad at KFC. Returned to school and I climbed through the window to open the lab for them to lan. Played some random hui yao game there waiting to collect BBQ food.

Around 4, went to collect the BBQ food and went Siglap to buy more supplies. Got everything down and then joined the others at the lab again. Later on, the others came and I managed to meet Mr You, which was not bad. At least he still remembers who I am.

Next, got the sec 3s to set up the fire and all, guess what? They didn't have bloody wire mesh. So off I went to Parkway to buy the wire mesh. Came back and then they manged to BBQ. Then they did not get extension wires for the lamp. So off I went again. Climbed up to get to the clubroom and plug out extension wires. Man, climbing is fun. Was about to come down when I saw Mr Siow playing with throwing knifes at the canteen. Completely bad idea. So I went down by the flexi room way (aka fireman by Buddin). Came down successfully and I was 100% confident of coming down. Ate and enjoyed the rest of BBQ.

Didn't stay for talent night. Had night walk prep.

Thursday, 3 Dec

Night walk itself was not bad, managed to really freak out some people :D Later on when the fear was wearing thin, I climbed again. Hid at the 3rd floor spiral staircase. Managed to freak more people out. Then when I was up there, the lights were suddenly turned on. Then some freakish random shouting. Then a third party voice. Then lights off. Next thing, lights were on and even more screaming and then the lights were left on. So I went to climb down. Decided against the canteen way, in case of getting caught so I use the flexi room method. However, I used a different opening and while sliding down the pipe, I forgot to stop at the air con power thingo and bam, slided right to the ground. Around my right triceps I now sustain abrasions. Raarr..

So later I found out from Dzafir and Nic Chew what happened. Apparently one of the aunty was supposed to turn on the lights. Dzafir was just standing at the lift and then she got freaked out and started screaming. Then the guard from the hostel came down and settled the incident. So after they said only 1 or 2 left to complete the walk, the lights were turned off. Stupid bitch came again and fell. Knees were slightly bleeding and then she started screaming.

So we officially stopped night walk and then Nic Chew, Dzafir and I went to talk to Mr Quek at the flexi room. Later when Dzafir and I were pushing the OHP to the PSB room, the crazy bitch was sitting outside the D&T room and then she started screaming Hokkien vulgarities at Dzafir. At that point of time I felt like doing 3 things. a) Whack the f***in' bitch b) Laugh at her for her puerility c) Don't give a f*** about her. Well, I just walked on. Look, it was her own fault that she was scared and later on fell. But no, she had to blame Dzafir for purposefully wanting to assault her and attack. Then she had to complain. To OM Goh. Now what may happen is that night walks may altogether be banned.

Anyway, we dressed her wounds, got her Milo and Mr Quek pacified her. Then everything was ok. She, at the final state wouldn't do something retarded like report this. Thanks to the bitch's one F***ed up move, it may very well jeopardize the entire school with their camps.

So thanks to the bitch, I didn't sleep at all. Went to Macs for breakfast and after I'm back, all the sec 3s were still asleep.

Yea, so I thought I could sleep too. I lay down and closed my eyes. 2 minutes later (literally), Gordon woke me up for breakfast. Great. So got them all their food and Milo. Played soccer later, I was at the school field sleeping. Yup, sleeping. About on and off, 30 minutes.

Later on, Ryan wasted time talking crap and all, gave out prizes and then it's the end. And this post was easily tiring as well. Arrgh.

The goal

Random faucet

Would you dance, if I asked you to dance

Would you run, and never look back

Would you cry, if you saw me crying

And would you save my soul, tonight?

Over

2009-12-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

So yea, the camps' are over. Shall be blogging about them soon enough. And also, I'm a mood-swingy kinda guy. Plus plus plus, I found a new hobby! Yay!

Been sleepin' like a pig. Holiday homeworks, gotta get them completed in less than a week's time. Well, at least things are going on well. Camp was really great even though it was long. Most importantly, it was a success and everyone walked away with something :D

Finally, I know I haven't been updating and posting stupid emo and slacked posts. Well, I hope I'll change, actually I will. Okay now with that cleared,

BYE! off to lunch

Fury

2009-12-02T02:13:00.001-08:00

Feeling so damn pissed with things right now. Even as I'm stuck at camp using my phone to type this out. Enough with all this crap seriously. You asking for everything to be done your way, guess what? There's only me, one person. And I can't manage what you X3 want ok? If you think i'm such a failure, maybe I am. I'm just gonna degenerate and be of no use. Happy?

Slowly

2009-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

'Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once.'

- Johann Kaspar Lavater

No, the rain's wet and disgusting

You know, I'm not gonna post about psltc today as well.

Anyway, had a H1N1 jab today. Apparently need vaccination before going overseas for safety. Arm kinda aches now. And then there's climbing tomorrow... should be okay I hope.

Really really tired of camps already. But there's one tomorrow. Damn. Okay, I still must have a positive attitude so, smile!

Did room clearing today. Like a little battle fought. Still in a mess now, but much much better. Moved the stuff in my room around to create more floor space. Not bad.

And I'm just feeling so sian now. Guess I'm going to sleep already. Man do I have a sad life. At least there're some stuff to look forward to. I hope.

Sorry this post is incredibly short but I really have no mood to blog. More of doing this for the sake of updating. Yea.

Dum de dum, da dum de dum

Tra lalalala Fa lalalala

Boom boom cheh, boom boom cheh

And why haven't I stopped blogging?

It ends here.

No, not really.

Just bored, I have to talk to myself. Opps, neglecting Golden! Gonna go give him hay.

So this is goodbye

High rise, veins of the avenue

Bright eyes and subtle variations of blue

Everywhere is balance there like a rainbow above you

Flair

2009-11-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

'Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.'

- Mark Twain

PSLTC's over. Too tired to blog about it. Yes I'm a lazy slouch. Sitting on a bed and typing.

I have no idea why nowadays I really start having really really random thoughts. Like all sorts of things, like food, death, love, shopping, etc. As in they all just randomly appear in my mind and I just start harbouring over them. And I think it's getting the better of me. Especially now that I'm officially sick, as certified by a medical cert from a terribly unworthy clinic which I shall not name.

I tend to spend most of my time wasted wandering in wonder (alliteration!). Great. You know something, I just typed a whole chunk of words, 2 paragraphs to be exact ranting about something. Well forget it.

Now I just feel that I'm blogging for the sake of blogging. Then again there're no tags. I know that people are reading, but it'll be nicer if there were more tags. If not it looks kinda dead.

Moving on, I still have one more camp next week. Damn. I'm really tired of having camps already. I haven't started on any revisions and will definitely not have the time to do more. Pick up new skills? I really can't guitar. It's either a) not pressing strings or b) fingers muting the strings. Roar.

Well it's 1.20 am now. Going to hibernate. Mornings.

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn

Rejoice everytime you hear the sound of my voice

Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling

And I didn't feel a thing

So baby feel no pain

Just smile back

Brink

2009-11-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

'Wisdom too often never comes, so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late.'

- Felix Frankfurter

With your heads held high

Screw it witta' steam powered screwdriver! Plus additional motors. And a horse. I'm starting to get quite a bad case of flu. With the complimentary additions of cough, sore throat and blocked nose with sneezes. Roar! And camp's tomorrow. Just great. I mean, I really appreciate the work and effort the 6 of them put into the camp, but somehow I really just don't look forward to it.

Okay, school today for ITC was not bad. Brushed up on the camp proposal, showed it Mr Liang. And he likes it (: So at least one barrier cleared. Told him about the Jaben sponsorship thing and he was like super over the moon. Impressed like siao.

So basically touched up on the proposal to bring to Jaben. So at Jaben, I showed him the proposal, then just elaborated on the part of the amazing race. Uncle Wilson then handed 3 different earphones for us to give as prizes. He recommended lucky draws, since they'll be well, luck.

And he just handed them, no strings attached. Crossroads ($70), hippo shroom ($68) and hippo UX? (i forgot, $98). Like the total cost of the earphones was $252 and he just handed them... really woah. So we kinda decided that the shroom and crossroads will be lucky draw to sec 1s and sec 2s. The last one is the problem one. Ian, I and basically the rest of us wanted to give it to Mr Quek who's leaving.

But Berwin was strongly against it. Saying he's not done a good job etc... I mean sure, I was really pissed with him, even close to hating him. I even bitched about him a couple of entries ago. But I feel, even if he really hates me, he does deserve it. I mean I really am his wasted wonder, but i do feel that he deserves it. After leading the club to win a national competition and all, I think this is the least we can do for him. And he'll be off to London for further studies.

So not bad. Psb had no meeting and the other psls were playing with my phone. Then BAM. My phone died. It's super freaky okay? I rushed home, even though I planned to stay in school. Really afraid that my phone batt was fried or worse, the mother board was toast. Thankfully it was only batt flat. Phew.

So now after wasting my time doing this, I need to end off on a random note. You know I just finished using my shampoo. So today when I reached home I saw a new packet, Clear for men. hahaa.

It's nice. Haha refreshing.

You take the pieces of the dreams that you have

'Cause you don't like the way they seem to be going

You cut them up and spread them out on the floor

You're full of hope as you begin rearranging

Untouched

2009-11-23T08:44:00.000-08:00

'Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.'

- George Patton

And you're the lone star

Haven't posted for quite some time. Wow. And now I'm catching a flu. Serious crap!

Went out with Berwin to reccee the amazing race locations. And at the Jaben Networks store, we were planning for the juniors to go there and get Uncle Wilson's autograph. Basically when we were there and asked him about it, he was excited.

Said no problem and did something totally unexpected. He offered sponsorship of prizes. Seriously. He was offering to sponsor some hippo shrooms earphones as camp prizes. Just asked us to email him our camp proposal and he'll settle the prizes.

He said that totally spontaneously. Wow was taken aback, in a good way. Like really, who'd suspect sponsorship just like that? Don't really know what he can stand to gain from sponsoring a little IT Club camp. Publicity? Doubt it. If it is a random act of good will it sure is appreciated (:

Went down to Ian's place after that. Super nice and big. He's got this huge dog, not scary though. Not a stupid barker like Whitney. His two brothers stay on the top floor, where they have this mega huge tv. And an xbox 360. And a crazy gaming comp. And a fridge. And air con.

It's a serious gaming den. Really cool, combined with stereo surround sound. Like woah. Yea.

Gonna go check out the timings for new moon. Guess I'm gonna watch it. And I'm going to sleep first.

I feel so untouched

And I want you so much

That I just can't resist you

It's not enough to say that I miss you

Syncopation

2009-11-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

'Where we have strong emotions, we are liable to fool ourselves.'
- Carl Sagan

6 days spent out and away. Long, drained but somehow I just feel so unaccomplished about it. I mean sure, it is probably the most prestigious camp in VS and only the "cream of the crop" gets to go for it...

I just feel undeserving. Seriously, there ain't much worth for myself to be there. And there, I would say, unlike all the other people involved, I didn't really find veloci-t all that special. As in I believe most of the other VS guys will be surprised, but this is strangely the way I feel.

And just to look at all the juniors, they are going to be the next batch of leaders in the school. Congrats. But, but no. I still feel that I don't deserve it. I can't judge others but for myself, no.

15 Nov
Spent Sunday at school. Cycling at ECP, free of charge for me since I came late and Lakshman had to leave early. Cycled from lagoon to big splash and witnessed a drowning incident. Don't know what happened. Spent the night doing all sorts of retarded stuff like heart attack with cards and mock fighting. Thanks Alex.

16 Nov
Since the four of us couldn't sleep, we decided to go to Macs for supper. Around 2am. So Ben, Surya, Ryan and I went to scale the fence to leave school.

And due to my horrible climbing skills, I sustained cuts.

Hand cut. Like an emo cutter

Left leg cut

Right leg. I'm not a masochist!

Yup, ain't pretty. Got Happy Meals there. I think I lost my toy. Anyway got back to school and slept until 5.30 Bad mistake.

The first day of veloci-t was ultimately the most sian one. Especially when they were all lessons and that the physical activities were cancelled due to the rain. Lesson activities for the night were not bad though. Utterly tired that day with 22 hours spent awake.

17 Nov

Bright, sunny and simply way too hot. All the high ropes and kayaking activities. Let's just say salt water isn't the best thing to enter open wounds. Mega ouch! Laser tag was a total disappointment. Shant talk furthur about it.

18 Nov

Travel to Mawai. Had all the crazy messy dirty activities. All mud. All dirt water. Fortunately the wounds were more sealed so not as pain as before. Oh and did I mention it was raining? Firefly cruise at night. Very nice and relaxing

19 Nov

Mountain climb in the freaking flooding level downpour. But guess what, we survived! Loved the way the tribe managed to spur each other on and make it up to the top. Campfire night was crazy and cheered all the way.

20 Nov

Back home (:

Okay I didn't give any good information of the camp but I'm just tired from it all. Spending the time slacking away and it's not bad. And...

SLs Unite!

So yea, that's about it. Gonna stop blogging and probably apply some ointment on the cuts. On second thought, I think Veloci-t was a success. I just read through what my juniors told be and I take back what I said. No, I have a purpose for the school and I am doing this for a reason; a cause.

Run baby run, don't ever look back
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance

Disappear

2009-11-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

'The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.'
- Mark Twain

Don't know where it'll take me

Preparing for camp. Took out my shirts to bring and I just realized I have 16 school based shirts. (17 if include house vest) So yea, I'll be away from tonight until friday afternoon.

That means,

I'LL BE LEAVING THIS BLOG DEAD UNTIL 20TH NOVEMBER

Uh huh... packing light, so trying to minimize stuff to carry around. Tonight I'll be camping in school with the other black shirts. My hair is now short well, so that I will less likely need to spend time bathing. Oh come on, everyone's gonna smell.

So, that's about it I guess. Gone.

And if you're reading this, I'm really glad. Just want you to know I'll miss you. Never actually told you even though you told me this, but frankly, you're one of my closest friends too. Hope things are going on well and fine on your side.

Somehow I'm actually not too excited about camp. My holidays are getting shorter and shorter; all while being unproductive. Alright, gotta be super high and enthu for the camp, so I'm gonna do so! Goodbye Internet, luxuries and Whitney.

Really do miss you, even now before I leave.

Now I'm speechless over the edge, I'm just breathless
Never thought I'd catch this lovebug again
Hopeless, head over heels in the moment
Never thought I'd get hit by this lovebug again

Triangle

2009-11-13T08:35:00.000-08:00

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. "

– Herm Albright

You know the crazy Mcdonalds monopoly thingo? Apparently it's international. As in every mcdonalds in the world is participating in it. In S'pore, the highest prize is 50k. USA has it at 1m. See how cheap Singapore is?

Anyway, I love the monopoly thing. It gave me a free dinner today! Like I had a few "instant win" pieces and altogether I was able to get a free meal! Talk about no such thing as a free lunch.

Really so so freaking cool haha. Mcdonalds is actually doing a good thing. As much as it is unhealthy, it's a hangout which almost anyone is comfortable in going to. Definitely credit must go to them for such brilliant marketing.

Just wanted to blog about this thing.

Triangles

It's funny how this one shape can be at two ends of a spectrum. How one same thing can be a total opposite and conflict each other.

In structural engineering, triangles are key components in being supports. The weight is best spread out and thus there is less pressure acting on the individual beams/walls. One single third beam can really be the difference in making a structure stable.

In relationships, triangles are what cause their destruction. Be it beliefs, money or an extra party, this third influence can make the difference in tearing apart people and their relationships. And it never ends pretty. Both parties are hurt.

It is interesting to see how the most basic regular shape can be such an integral lifesaver and on the other hand be a single opening to destruction. Triangles are something that really fascinate me, and frankly when I'm bored and just look around, almost everything is made up of triangles.

Also, the triangle relation is a very key concept in memorizing formulas. Like the speed triangle when distance = speed X time.

Anyway, my point is that something so basic can be a key support or the main destroyer. So as people, we must make it a point to live life as a key support and not wreck relations. We have to watch ourselves.

Sorry that was a super nerd thing haha. Camps up the next few days and from 16 to 20 Nov, it's goodbye internet. Damn I'm feeling freaking hungry now.

But girl I refuse

You must have me confused

With some other guy

The bridges were burnt

And now it's your turn to cry

Cry me a river

Memory

2009-11-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

'The greatest mistake is trying to be more agreeable than you can be.'
- Walter Bagehot

And something, the week is almost up. That's gonna be two weeks of the holidays wasted. Not to mention the next few weeks will be camps and then overseas and...

POOF

Gone. Back to school with undone work. Even now, as I'm typing I know I won't be able to accomplish what I aimed to complete this holiday. I know so. Please, I want to proof myself wrong.

Still busy with the camp stuff. Damn. I think I failed it. Just gonna take all the crap they're gonna throw at me. I deserve it after all. I've failed them all the time, nothing changes.

It's like 1.30am and there's still others on fb and msn. So am I. At least I ain't alone working all night. Then again I've stopped working so...

Anyway, the time has come to face the music. It ain't some soothing sentimental piece by Celine Dion. Like facing an entire orchestra ready to blast their music on your face. Ready to kill you.

About music, my current blog playlist is all Enrique. Kinda like his songs, plus it matches my blog theme heh (: Yawn. It's 2am already. I should really sleep.

Sweet dreams to others. I know I can't have them, not anymore. Life sure is a hell lot saddening. Just gotta handle it props.

Would you dance, if I asked you to dance
Would you run, and never look back
Would you cry, if you saw me crying
And would you save my soul, tonight

Hypocrisy

2009-11-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

'Tears are the words the heart can't express'

- Carl W. Buechner

Emo post. Press control-a if you really want to read.

I'm really just a failure. Seriously. And I don't need the "get of of the emo" stuff. Probably it's a form of concern? Thanks. But now's not the time.

You know like you had your top prize, winning a national level competition... and I wasn't there at all? I know I simply said I had something on, truth be told I can't stand to face you. I've already failed enough, I'm sorry. Sure words don't mean anything, leave it as such. But really, it's such a great congratulations to you and your fellow members. I have done nothing, I don't deserve to be a part of it.

So what if I have these other "big" stuff to do? I'll trade it away; the recognition, the friends, the status -just to be able to rewind everything and live it the way I should have for you. It's your award, be happy. You earned it. I'm neither here nor there. Stuck in between with no real support. I know it yet... yet I try to cling on to both sides. Jaren, you know that they don't respect you; they have all the goddamned right to do so. Why do you bother to play this little hoax on yourself?

I know I'm bloody insecure, and a bloody liar. Well, you should be happy the cards dealt back to me, as payback. And to think that I was able to be more, what lies. I loved lying to myself, slacking off thinking that... you know what, just skip it.

I'm just a little delusional bastard. Really feel it's better off for the world to go on without me. To think I was actually doing a service, being accepted for who I am, being a role model. And now the irony is that I'm taking on a little "prestigious" role... somehow I just feel like denouncing it. Every time they mention, "how proud we are of you...", it hurts the most. That's only one front you see... the one I tend to show. Even now, hiding behind a veil of plain lettering, coming up with this reflection, you don't know how low, cheap and pathetic I am.

Some may say being cunning and manipulative is a form of skill, that it is something worth commending... well guess what? IT IS SO BLOODY NOT! I've been there, been that. No it's so damn not. I hate living a lie. Using more words fluently to free myself from situations; making things work out my way; playing on emotions. That is just so *explicative* false. Even now if I'm up talking with you, or anyone else, no one can suspect what's happening up in my head.

Hah and to actually see others looking up to me, saying they want to model after me... you how much those words hurt? I act all humble and supportive in front of you, inside I want to just cry. Do you know how ironic my life is? What a real fool, a real let down, disappointment. Please, don't look up to me. Don't even think of me as someone to look up to. I'd rather be the person you use as an example of what you shouldn't be... because that is what I am.

Played the role of an understanding friend, played the role of the fun friend, played the role of the leader... you know I just feel that they're all poses, fronts. I am able to change fronts quickly, put up a good show so convincing, most will be surprised this is what I'm blogging about. Just starting cry now even as I type. Sure, think of it as another front.

Just have no idea what sort of a horrible monster I am. Really so scheming, conniving, devious... nothing to be proud of. Try to live life, try to make each day count... I'm just lying to myself. And now even as I imagine whosoever reads this... I'm just really sorry I've been lying this time, all the while. All the people I meet, I just blatantly lie in their face without feeling any guilt... it's just so scary.

I don't deserve anything. Alright? I just feel that I've made life hell for everyone else. And especially you. Sure, words hurt but it's the silent things that kill more. Even if I open up here, I'm just so afraid someone finds out what I am. All the lies I've spun, all the falseness.

I just want to end of saying, I'm really sorry... all of you. I even feel tempted to pick up that blade again, even as the tears flow down my cheeks. It's been a while since I played with that piece of metal, probably now's a suitable time.

I just wanted to fit in

Every single place, every school I went

I dreamt of being that cool kid

Even if it meant acting stupid

Toil

2009-11-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

'Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognises genius.' - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Played your game

I really don't have anything to blog about today. Seriously. Okay so... er... let me see...

*Scans room for something to blog about*

Oh okay got it: Erasers.

I keep losing my erasers. I just bought a six pack eraser thingy from popular a few weeks ago. Okay not just. Some Toyo brand thing. Works fine. And I don't know why some companies just make their erasers so cheap and unusable.

Like some are so rubbery and can't erase anything, even staining the paper making more mess. Like the ones on the top of a pencil. Then there are those which just break apart after rubbing a bit. And also it seems like erasers are constantly being lost. Like if someone steals them, why? Erasers are not the best thing to steal from a pencil case...

Anyway, my point is that erasers should be made of a higher quality without costing as much. I mean erasers can go up to $5. It's a stinking piece of rubber! Come on! We need better pricing and quality for something we use so very often.

Alright I'm really running out of topics to blog about now. But I still see it as a point to blog everyday. Hahah OCD. Okay nevermind. Big days ahead and so, nights.

There's always gonnna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Subtleties

2009-11-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

'Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.'

- Voltaire

Oh great overslept today. Reached school late for Veloci-T meeting. =X at least I wasn't too screwed for that. Okay, sleep earlier than 2.20am Jaren! Rarr! Okay, groupings changed again. This time I'm with Jun Yew, Adrian and Ryan. Not bad :) Three 9 subbers. And I actually know the names of all my group juniors already! Yay!

Lunch at Macs. Unhealthy. Went with PSB and Benjamin. Learnt for the first time a mother actually uses vulgarities to scold her child. Whoa! Walked home from PP. Making it a point to. Sure it's about 7 bus stops away but the distance is walkable so I should have a little bit of exercise, especially since it's macs.

And ah crap I think I'm getting addicted to maple. I can't believe it. I spent most of today playing maplestory! No no no! Oh by the way I managed to up one level... now stop it!!! Rarr boredom is getting the better of me.

Sent Pastor Emmanuel off to Uganda today. Can really see that he has been impacted by our family and all. He's really excited to get us to go over to Uganda. Heh it sounds great, planning to get there next year.

Another Ugandan pastor from region 4 was there sitting alone on a chair. I actually thought it was normal. Well chatted with him and he's friendly too. In the car however, my dad says that probably he has some burdens within him, which is why he was emoing. Well I really did not see it that way. People are either introverted or extroverted, just nature and nothing wrong about either. And it does not reflect whether a person is shy or not.

Basically, an introvert finds strength in solace while and an extrovert finds strength in company. Meaning, if a person is sad/tired and is able to feel better after spending a small period of time alone, he is an introvert. An extrovert will feel more comfort in the presence of others when he is down. Now, this doesn't mean an introvert detests company and is an emo.

For one, I am an introvert. I am really able to feel energized having my own time alone. But I enjoy company, and trying my best not to be shy. So yea, just embrace your personality and let it shine.

Somebody wants you, somebody needs you

Somebody dreams about you every single night

Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely

Somebody hopes that one day you will see

Somebody's me, somebody's me

Monotonous

2009-11-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

'The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.'

- Barbara Kingsolver

Draw it your way

Another Sunday, a reminder of the passing of another week. Church was normal I guess. Brought Pastor Emmanuel out for lunch, his last time here in S'pore before flying back to Uganda. Had a good meal at Toa Payoh Sizzler's. Pretty cool, it has a buffet salad bar. Free flow. Of course I'm not in to salads, but really not bad! Main course was pretty normal.

So Pastor Emmanuel was talking about his life and home at Uganda. Seriously interesting. Really want to go to Uganda after hearing what he said about it. They raise their own chicken and kill it on the spot. Can't get any fresher than that. Also the safaris, mountains and rivers, it is really such a marvelous place. And lots of walking is done, it's probably the main form of transportation.

The work they are doing in Uganda is fantastic. Project 300 was a project the church set out to do, setting up 300 churches. As of now, there are over 1500 planted churches and Pastor Emmanuel had planted 5 in this project, excluding other previous church plantings. God is bringing revival throughout Africa and Asia, this time the sides are turned around. Europe is really a dark continent, where the gospel is hard to be accepted by "white superiority".

Okay...

I wasted my day playing maplestory. Yes I played it! And I can't believe how people can "chiong" their characters so quickly. As much as I wanted to play, I felt that it was boring. There is no storyline, the quests are stupid and the powers are lame. I really expected more from the game. Haha, who am I kidding.. it's MS. Kinda played it because a number of PSLs are playing it. And also I was feeling bored. Don't worry, no holes drilled through, yet.

Managed to have a little talk crap session with Joy today. Shouldn't you be studying? =P Also managed to chat with Bryan today. Hope things are better over on his side. Will be praying for you.

Also as all HMT students are going to have their O level paper on this coming Tuesday. Best of luck to them and hope they'll nab their A1s. Well, everything's in God's hands and I commit all my friends who are taking their O's unto You.

All you have to do is hold me

And you'll know and you'll see

Just how sweet it can be

If you trust me, let me, love me

Maybe, maybe

Misery

2009-11-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

'Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.'

- Anonymous

A couch at Raffles Town Club

Just went out today for my cousin's first birthday. It was at Raffles Town Club, totally prestigious. Except the experience there was horrible.

Mainly due to the fact such a grand set up was made as a form of politics. It sucks to have an extended family who is rich and plain snobbish. The whole point was to boost how rich they were and use it as a comparison tool. From here, the saying:

"It's lonely at the top"

really comes into play. I mean, the family really has some major politics. It's my grandfather's side. After all, all of them are rich and wealthy; "naturally" they start to compare everything about each other.

So basically my presence was like being there as a prize, something to be shown off. And this rivalry thing is so rampant. My grandfather would be boasting, his brother or cousin will also boast/criticize... it just sucks. Playing along, I would be putting up a super zai front. Like that perfect grandson. Smile more than I normally would. At least it's only for a night.

It's really miserable being so wealthy. I mean, there's no point in being rich if you turn out to be bitter and have such strained relationships with your own family. Everything becomes a point of comparison. Grandchildren, their number, age, education. It's really so damn eff-ing annoying.

Probably some enjoy this aristocratic lifestyle, but really I hate it. I don't want to be rich and turn out to be such a snob. Some people wanna be swank and live life rich in money, just know that trust and friendship becomes scarce. Of course, my grandmother's side of the family was also present. It's like their other achievements/prizes my grandfather can use to boast. Not saying he does that normally, but it's like norm for them to compare and flaunt.

By the way, this is on my mother's side. In the end, what happened to the main purpose of celebration? The first year of life of my cousin? That no longer becomes the point. The whole set up is meant for impressing and it's so shallow! Arrgh do you know how it feels like? There's like so many mind games played during a family gathering.

Sure, from my grandmother's side there were others who were so impressed with being in a posh setting, well yes it's fascinating. Fortunately they don't know about the ongoing politics or they would have realised what a fool they made of themselves.

Of course on the other extreme, my dad's side of the family is poor. I really admire him, considering that he can support the family, get a good well paying job with only a ITE grad certification. At first I wondered why my mom, a degree holder would marry an ITE grad. Kinda doesn't make sense. On top of everything else, I somehow feel that it is also because such politics won't be present.

Experiencing what it means to be super rich and super poor, I know what I want to do. I want to be rich, but not snobbish or elitist. Also, I want to set up a charity, be a philanthropist. There are so many people out there who need financial help yet they do not receive anything. As much as there are scholarships available, I want to be able to bring entire families out of poverty. It is very difficult for a child to do that for his family as without money, he may not have the necessary help in education to get him far. The cycle will end with help from outside and I want to do so.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

Trying to make ends meet

You're a slave to money then you die

Accomplished

2009-11-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

'All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.'

- Walt Disney

And I'm done with all these admin work! After slogging it out with spreadsheets and contacts, I am finally done! Yes!

So after spending yesterday doing all the selection of psls, today I can for once see the complete new batch of psls for 10'/11'. And among them, some will become the eventual exco. Well, it's great and I really feel that what I've done has paid off. This batch will supersede mine.

Well, I am done contact all the people who need to be contacted. Yeah! So for once this holiday I am slacking. Also good, since I am making good use of my time being productive.

Everything's done well. Now all that's left to complete is ITC camp logs. Shouldn't be too tough. I wanted to find something to blog about but can't find it.

Oh I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm clocking in >1am sleeping times. I know, the eye rings are super obvious! Don't get me started on the eye bags. Tonight's gonna be a good night.

I've noticed my posts are getting shorter and shorter, but I can't help it.

1) I am too tired to blog about stuff

2) There's nothing to blog about

And I'm craving for seafood... so out of the blue. (okay black sky now). Maybe I'm just hungry. Midnight snack?

Yay Oreo to save the day =D

Arrgh seriously why must they be so nerdy? Everything about them!

Step from the road to the sea to the sky

And I do believe it, we rely on

When I lay it on come get to play it on

All my life to sacrifice

Drained

2009-11-05T06:53:00.000-08:00

'Humor is reason gone mad'

- Groucho Marx

I'm so dead tired. This whole or almost complete week has been spent in school from 9am to 10pm. This really sucks. PSB, Veloci-T, ITC... really it's so much. Add to that I've called and smsed over 50 people and more than 5 times each.... there goes the phone bill.

I really don't think I can go on. It's 11pm now and I just reached home. I'm all worn out. I just want to lay down and sleep but that's not possible. Got so many things to complete, deadlines to rush, fears of not keeping up. ARRGH!

Then I see Golden just curled up in his corner, rested and contented. Why can't I have that!!! The holidays barely started and already I'm defeated. Everything's taking it's toil on me. Sleeping at 2am, waking at 6am. Hell it's worse than school. I wake up early to start on my work, sleep late to do as much as possible.

Eye bags are super huge now. My phones filled with numbers from people i don't know. All I see on the computer are excel spreadsheets and word documents. This is really taxing. And I feel as though I can't take it. Like I'm going to give up, and fall and fail everyone.

At least today I had a great dinner at ThaiPan with Clarence, Ryan, Yuan Rong and Nic. Too bad we spent the time there working on the PSL interview and stuff. ARRGH again! Can't stand it!

I really need a holiday. And well all my plans for the holiday seem to be impossible. I doubt I will be able to sustain and accomplish my aims. Well screw it. Once hellish November is over, everything will be fine, right?

Well don't waste time

Give me a sign

Tell me how you wanna roll

Tedious

2009-11-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

'If you want work well done, select a busy man - the other kind has no time.'

- Elbert Hubbard

I wasted about 3 to 4 hours today fixing my blogskin. Yes, I did not make it. Not that pro. As in sure, I edited the base code an stuff but... arrgh will the nerd in me shutup?

The problem was that my previous skin suddenly screwed up. Apparently the server it was hosted on was pretty screwed, so the whole page appeared brown and only brown. Super ugly. So at first I tried to fix the html coding but I found out it was fine. Well, at least I got a new skin, and I like it =D.

Well, actually I created a new blog. This is a new blog. The old one had some screw up in uploading this skin, then there are random lines and words jumping all over the place and I couldn't fix it.

Ok the point is that I solved it. Feels good actually. Alright, sorry for that super nerdy part. Just learn to enjoy it and be a happy camper Jaren.

So went to school today, AGAIN. Yea, today was for a PSB interview and CCA and Veloci-T meeting. The kid, Jonah was not bad, being honest with himself. But I could see he was lying at certain points. Body language gives away a lot. But then again, it's an interview, he comes to impress. I too lied during mine and so I should cut him some slack. Today Jonathan was around to conduct Dreamweaver training, could really see how elated the juniors were about learning about html and css and the other yada yada.

Veloci-T training was great. I could really see what the teachers planned out and how effective they were. However when they kept emphasizing the point of us being "great leaders" and all... well I just feel undeserving of it. After what I did and didn't do, I feel that I am unworthy of the senior leader title. I mean I used to feel this way about everyone else but really I myself don't deserve it. The black shirts before me, I am no where near their standard. I really doubt myself, especially since I got in the easy way with only an exco interview. Probably I'm insecure, but there's this feeling of smallish-ness in me. I know, it's called inferiority.

But now that I am taking on this new responsibility, I am going to make sure I will succeed in this. I will be dedicated and ready to help these juniors and they will surpass me. I want that to happen. The Victorian standard can only improve, not slacken. Similarly, I will have to do the same with my academics. Yes I can!

Alright, it's 1am already! I've been clocking in this timing for sleep the past few days and waking up at 9. Terrible. Tomorrow, or today onwards, I'm waking up at 6 to go for a morning jog and some gym. It's holidays after all. The morning will also be used to complete my tremendous amount of holiday work I have.

So with that, I shall end of here. I need to have faith in myself and be that person others believe or aspired me to be. And this time, I won't let them down.

You make me feel out of my element
Like I'm walking on broken glass
Like my world's spinning in slow motion
And you're moving too fast

Flashback

2009-11-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

'He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.'

- Epictetus

When darkness turns to light

I just realised that I have holiday homework. Seriously. ARRGH! Come on, work... I don't want it! Managed to finish E Math Paper 1 today. Wasn't too bad but dear Cat High, I don't need to see your CH Jive drink advert!!!

Spent another day at school today. This is going to go on all the way until Dec I think. So today there was supposedly Dreamweaver training for them. Turns out kinda screwy, but at least FR was around to help save the day =P.

Only Ian and I were around. Damn where are all the other sec3s? I feel so tempted to go on a ranting rampage about this whole thing but I shan't. Self control. And also, I have had the right to leave but I chose to stay on, that I shall stand by.

It's not too bad, today's training. FR went on about the history of the Internet and such, which as geeky as it sounds... it's quite cool actually (for a nerd like me). But really, it got the juniors interested and that's great.

Somehow I just feel so useless for ITC. I have no IT skills, I can't help out at all. I know I've let my teachers down because of other priorities. Like today when Ian went on about with Jonathan that there is no one else who can teach... I just felt so, erm, depressed actually. And seriously, why did I join?

- As a sec 1, I was really fat. I didn't want to join performing arts and UGs were definitely out. So it was left with clubs and so I joined ITC. Still fat though =P

It's a fun club, everyone bonded. And I'm gonna make sure it stays that way. I am not going to allow the school to simply deem it as some nonsense club and just don't care about it. It will not turn up to be like some other schools' - a loser CCA. I really don't want that to happen.

Watch the video. It's super funny. But at the same time, I really see them as nerds, "losers". I mean no offense, but I'm scared that if this is the way the club is going, it will only do them harm. True, like what Mr You said, this is preparing you for the real world, for jobs. You won't be banging drums or feet but seriously... having these people as the outcome?

So I will do my best, in changing their mannerism. The way they carry themselves. I want them to be normal professionals and not just some random nerd who can only work but can't relate.

We've run out of words, we've run out of time

We've run out of reasons, really why are we together?

We both know it's over, baby, the bottom line

It's best we don't even talk at all

Revelations

2009-11-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

'A yawn is a silent shout.'

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

Alright, time to go through what happened today.

Set five alarms. Just to make sure I'll get up. I don't know, just hate getting up in the morning.

School. Okay had PSL interviews today. Some appear quite promising, while others are simply trying too hard. I mean it's so obvious you're lying or being unnatural. Relax! Breathe in and enjoy!

Kind of thought about this. Who will be the new PSLs, what will they do. Then who would become exco, even who will be the next IC! Yay you will get the blessings of Ze Wei, Jun Rong and Jaren!

Haha today ITC was supposed to have Dreamweaver training, but apparently there wasn't. In the end they cleaned up the room. Feel so extra, I'm just there playing cards =X. Ian doing a good job though. Also another great thing is that Jacob is starting to take on responsibilities. Looks like next year may be an even greater year ahead.

Went out for dinner with Ian and Feng Run. Found out something really cool.

When you add

With

You get

BARBEQUE SAUCE!

Seriously! I didn't believe it at first, but when Ian did it, it's really unexpected. Tastes like barbeque sauce! Like wow! Never knew BBQ sauce = coke + tomato sauce

Well, we had a discussion about religion again. For me, I didn't preach. Idk, it's like I don't want to push into their territory but then again, it is a commandment to share the world. True, I will correct them and did, when their opinion of Christianity is wrong but I feel that I shouldn't start preaching in their face. I guess it's with a different group of people. Like such evangelists who enthusiastically spread right in your face really puts people off. Gives people the wrong impressions about us Christians. God did after all give each person the freedom of thought.

At least I'm glad that I managed to make an impression where logic isn't really defined and that science is actually just as abstract an image to them as God is.

Anyway, just gonna lift them up in prayer. And, first day of holidays is actually quite fruitful! Alright, nights!

I keep playing your part

But it's not my scene

Want this plot to twist

I've had enough mystery

Fickle

2009-11-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

'Anger is one letter short of danger'

- Anonymous

Alright, church today. So Pastor Seaward was preaching from another compound (sembawang) so over on futsing, we get to watch him on a video screen through live feed. What's funny is the way the ~~audience~~ congregation reacts. You know, for example, he would say something like:

"Would you greet your neighbour..."

Then the congregation would automatically turn left, right, forward, backward, 360 degrees and greet each other, and laugh.

Probably other churches have this too, I don't know. To me, it's like Dora the Explorer. The people are following commands made by a character on screen. It's really funny! Don't mean to be insulting, but seriously!

Imagine you see someone on screen saying:

"Can I see your hands?..."

Then all around you people start raising their arms up... it's seriously hilarious!!! Especially when you link it back to Dora. As in if the preacher is there in person, and asking for action, by all means. But a screen? HAHAHA!

Sermon was pretty good. About willing offering. Sure, not everyone wants to part with their money, but the thing is, the more you give, the more you receive. But that's a selfish perspective.

The fact is, all our possessions belong to God. We never earned any of them, but we are merely stewards of God's money. So really, it's not us giving our belongings, but it's returning back to God what's his. We should be glad God trusts us with his money.

Which leads to tithing. It's giving back to God His money. If we don't, we're robbing Him.

Alright, shall stop here. Seething with anger right now... just gotta let go. Now.

So Sally can wait

She knows it's too late as we're walking on by

Her soul slides away

"But don't look back in anger," I heard you say

Repercussions

2009-10-31T06:41:00.000-07:00

'Writing is learning to say nothing, more cleverly each day.'

- William Allingham

Ah hah! There are others who read this blog! Please do tag! If not it looks pretty dead. Thank You!!! =D

Okay, holiday. And crap I haven't handed in the consent forms for Veloci-T... (hopefully Mr Siow will understand) So today was a really relaxed day. Woke up at 10.30 (pig!), breakfast at 11+ Was different though. Mum got me spring roll and this crazy funny thing. It's like fried fish skin. Looks like dog treats. So apparently Whitney thought it was for her and got all excited. Forgot to take pictures so sorry! Tastes like fish keropok, except more fishy taste (doesn'y make sense).

Cleaned the guinea pigs today, didn't bathe them because it was rainy. Scared they catch a cold. And yes, they can. Golden will sneeze loudly. Sounds like.. saying "chew" in a high pitched nasal voice. And more guinea pig-ish.

So now my parents are planning for a holiday trip, though I am somehow not too thrilled. Gonna see snow. Wee... (a bit of sarcasm here). The thing is, the way they make planning for it seem so tedious, it kind of disrupts the mood in the house. So now it's probably China we're going to. See snow and go skiing. It looks and sound fun, but you know, with all the issues of "money here", "money there", they can't seem to decide. Yes it's good to be thrifty, but I would very much prefer to have it settled once and for all. As in all the deals seem pretty good already!

Lunch at PastaMania. Heh I always order the same dish there. Ham and sausage baked rice. I just like it, even though quite a number of others think it tastes strange.

Yes I think I'm addicted to Youtube. Spent the afternoon watching videos, again. And also frequenting gaming websites. Okay, weird. Starting to play Spore again. =) cute game. The last time I played it was last year.

And I need music. Any suggestions of where to get? My phone's empty. And now, I'm just gonna dump pictures.

The rain on the window

Dinner at Grandma's. Super. She's like one of the bests cooks around haha. Not only are her original food great, she's able to replicate dishes she tasted before. Very skillful. Like those Thai-styled fish, she can do it exactly the same restaurant standard. I'm so lucky. Better hope in the future I can cook well =P

And as my nephew is only 11 months, they're playing nursery songs. And they are very horrible.

小小兵 This song teaches how it is honourable to kill。Even has a line that goes 爸爸，哥哥当兵真伟大

Working on the railroad. This song is communist! Like only the PoWs would be constructing railroads. They die doing it.

London Bridge. This is where all of Britain's worst criminals are held. But by destroying the bridge, you are condemning the poor guys.

Humpy Dumpy. Making death seem so small. Meaningless.

Chinese version of twinkle little star. It has a commentary section where they ask how stars are formed. Then the answers was that when you do one good deed a day, one more star will be in the sky. Liars!

Okay random. Yada yada... it's 10.30 now and I feel hungry.

Still thinking about you, addicted to you.

Today this could be, the greatest day of our lives

Before it all ends, before we run out of time

Stay close to me, stay close to me

Watch the world come to life tonight, stay close to me

Evolve

2009-10-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

'Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.'

- Henry Miller

Free yourself

So now school's over. Great. But I just feel so unaccomplished. Like I didn't do anything useful, helpful at all. Too late for regrets. It feels as though the year is up, even though there are 2 more months. Sigh.

And, I'm such a pig. I mean seriously, pig. For example today, I slept and 4 and woke up at 7. Come on! 3 hours in bed? Thats pathetic! Then last friday, I woke up at 1. Okay... I've got sleep issues. I'm probably only going to be up at 10.30 tomorrow. PIG!

Maybe I should follow Joy and get my dad to apply toothpaste on my face to wake me up. On second thought, no. Must save.

As said previously, my results are pretty pathetic. In the level, I'm not too bad. But in class position, second last. Sad. Damn it, all the Bs are staring at me. I got no As this time. Haha, and I just realised my report book ran out of pages. At least I don't go around posting false scores on my blog... *hint hint*

I'm gonna start mugging already. This holiday will be the most productive one. Yes it will be. I'm actually looking forward to it, feeling the rush of ~~adrenaline~~ urgency to know my work well. I'm not dropping any subjects but if I happen to get below an A, they will make me drop. Unreasonable, but I have no choice. Poor Shiva's leaving 3D.

And well, I don't think there's a point in going through what happened today or this week, since I really believe I'm the only one reading my blog. Yes I'm that sad. I just installed a web counter to see how many page visitors I get. Hopefully I don't only receive traffic from my own IP. That would seriously suck.

Facebook is freaking addictive. I'm not interested in the quizzes anymore, games never excited me and I don't stalk profiles. Yet what I find fun is refreshing the homepage, seeing people's wall posts and I comment on them. To me, I feel that it shows I see what you do and want to be interested in your life. So when I post something, I love to have comments. Similarly, I want people to post on my blog...

Alright I'm weird. Narcissistic. Egoistic. Insecure. Superficial. But whatever it is, I can spew on this little blog. Haha.

I know I have been critical of others, probably jealous in the sense that they are given the opportunity despite myself thinking I can do a better job. You know what, that is a loser mentality. In my own opinion. On my road of self improvement, I am going to make a conscientious effort to be non judgmental. I know it is my nature to be analytical and have high standards of everyone and myself, but lately I feel that I have become more proud. Arrogant.

I shouldn't be affected by others. It is my life and others should not stand in the way of ruining it. Instead, I should improve on all aspects, on my own. I am the one who can make this change in my life and I will. I will work to improve in these areas:

- Physical (fitness)

- Psychological (perception)

- Emotional (mood)

- Mental (academics)

- Spiritual (Life!)

- Social (interactions)

So it's like SPEMPS (spams). HAHA my new motto. SPEMPS. I'm not going to procrastinate and say, I'll begin tomorrow. But instead, I am already on the road of self improvement now, even as I depress the keys on my laptop. I have a changed mindset, a plan. I know what needs to be changed and I know I can. Yes I Can.

Also changed the song playlist =) I like these songs. After all, I'm probably the only one accessing this site, so I might as well play music I like.

Tell me why you're so hard to forget

Don't remind me, I'm not over it

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth

I'm just a little too not over you, not over you

Love

2009-10-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

'A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.'

- Frank Howard Clark

You know, sometimes I prefer to be left alone. Have my own space, spend moments in solitude. And normally during such moments at home I watch Youtube videos. So there's this one video I just watched, and personally I feel impressed by it.

So there's this random fat ugly guy on the video. I was planning to see how stupid he would be and all, you know, spam offensive comments. But as I watched it, him with his children, it actually felt heartwarming. I was taken aback by the point where he says "Everyday I wake up and see this ugly face of mine... and I don't know how I could have gotten a girl like her."

This was something totally unexpected by me. I mean sure, he seems to be joking and all, but really, having such a positive attitude is admirable. Everyone's so self conscious, so scared of how they look and here's this guy who spends time with his kids and family, not afraid of how he behaves. I personally respect this guy and well, support him.

The love that can be found in a family is so powerful. Even for mine, I am blessed with such a great family. I want to have a family, as much as the media makes it simply sensational or fad-ish. They treat marriage as something fun to have, and that divorce is nothing. But no. I want a strong loving family. A person to spend life with until death. Until death.

This is also another cute video of a marriage proposal. The husband to be really puts up an impressive show and really, wish them all the best. They should be watching the video and knowing how happy they feel for each other, and not look back in regret. As like all marriages, I wish that theirs would last.

Now God made love and marriage such a beautiful thing, yet the media simply taints it with lust. Like you see Lil Wanye singing/rapping about love, please. That is simply lust. Relationships cannot be built upon lust or only face value. Shallow and superficial. I pray and trust in Him that I will be able to find the perfect partner and have God as head of the household. Relationships are something sacred, not just a series of flings.

Which leads me onto my next point. I find it pretty disturbing of some couples. You know, the ones where the girl is like 13, 14 years old and the guy is like 7 or more years older than her. Witness this today again during dinner. That I feel is absolutely disgusting. One look and you now that the relationship cannot be built on wholesome love. Fine, age is just a number but at this stage, it means a whole lot.

From this, I normally deduce two things, no offense to anyone. The guy is pathetic and the girl is foolish.

For the guy, why would you hit on someone way younger than you? To me, it's really so dumb. You mean you can't find a girl your age and have to target easy girls; easy to impress? That is really perverse. It's almost akin to pedophilia, the way the guy is in physical contact with the girl. Just so sick and wrong. This is not love.

For the girl, it appears to be out of desperation or status that you're with an older man. Sure maybe it seems like he's such a hero, I don't know. Not being a girl, what I say may be false, so once again no offense. Maybe he's understanding, caring, loving. But truth is, such guys are losers. They can't find girls their age and so they hit on easier targets. It is very easy to impress someone much younger than you.

If you can fold a paper crane, a six year old would idolize you. But another 15 year old couldn't give a damn. You see this ideology? It's exactly the same thing such disgusting guys do. Seriously, don't. For guys, don't degrade yourselves. Don't be such pedophiles hitting on little girls. Girls, don't be too foolish and take the plunge to be with a loser. Your time will come, even if other boys around your age seem immature.

Hormones are a gift from God, one of His best gifts. Love has different degrees and the ultimate love, the love with God, should be the strongest one. Others will fall into place. Lust is a sin that cannot be termed as love, the way the media puts it. So trust in the Lord, for His timing is perfect.

You're the answer I've been needing

Life has a whole new meaning, now

All because of you

Sidelines

2009-10-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

'Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.'

- Albert Einstien

To keep her flag unfurled

Prefer to be an observer than a participant. It's just me I guess. It's not that I'm anti-social or shy, but it's that I'll rather not be spontaneous and instead think of a response and then use it. Sure, I can think on the spot and respond, but I prefer not to. Just a matter of preference.

Well I feel it is because, while being witty and fast is respectable, it limits the strength and content of the spoken word. As in I feel that knowing what you say is better than spewing there and then. Of course, a slower pace of life would be required, something we can't afford here.

Okay... so today was a really long day in school. I left school at a usual time of 4.30pm but somehow it felt so draggy. The sian attitude really kicks in. Lethargy sets and everything seems so mundane. Like I can't wait to get the hell out of school.

This leads to the point of not having school spirit. Yes, while Mr Siow did talk about the declining school spirit today, his is only limited to cheering. I feel, that is just enthusiasm, not spirit. Spirit is the presence in the school, felt even in the premises. A school should be a place where you would be willing to spend your time in, instead of being a forced locale.

For example, now VS wants to chase students out of the school for the O levels. Well, this only further proves the fact that we Victorians simply go to school for the sake of duty, not for the sense of belonging. No one stays in school, soak up school culture. I even fear culture would die after my batch leaves VS.

IT Club for example, in my opinion was the most spirited CCA in the school. We were present for school events, cheering on the sports teams and being there for the school. Sure, we did screw up along the way but the fact is, we did not become the stereotype geek club. Now, it's a different case. Instead of character building and intra-personal bonding, the new teachers simply desire results. I'm sorry I'm hopeless at IT skills and that I can't be of much use in this matter. Due to my schedule (lessons until 4.30pm thank you) I am unable to attend your general meetings every week.

Yet you simply judge, stating that I'm not doing my job. That I'm a failure, just like that previous batch. Hell no you're wrong mister! I am f*kin' present for the sessions and I build up their character, bond with them. Fine, I'm slacking in your eyes. Not being a part of your new "trainings". Well, fine. I shall not complain, be your excuse, your lie to the juniors of what not to be.

Look, I don't want IT Club to turn out like some other schools'. I don't want the members to be viewed as nerds or immature brats. I want them to have the social skills, to be in a high position in the school pecking order. Fine, we do need the technical skills and all but still, you need them to be ready for the world. To be socially adept. Do you want the students to end up like some nerds, frowned upon and made up as jokes? Not me. I want more from them, ultimately it is character that counts.

If you want to map out their lives on a linear route of being an IT expert, I have no right to voice out my opinions. I know you had high expectations of me and I tore it all down. I'm that failure in your eyes. If you feel I'm undeserving, I can't stop you. But that doesn't mean I shall stop doing what I do. Not at all.

Surely you have more influence than I do. But please sir, open up your eyes. Do you want these boys to turn out as some office nerd staring at a screen without being able to communicate? Technical skills can only take you up to the level of being a worker. I want Victoria to prosper, to create wholesome Victorians who shall do the school proud even after they leave. It is difficult for you I know, being the butt of criticisms and dejection. After that major screw up, and you taking over immediately after that. I know because of IT Club, your social circle has greatly decreased and that it is miserable. Then you see a bloody slacker like me.

I know to you I am a wasted talent, that failure. But I know what I am doing is more beneficial than any training Feng Run can do for them. So long as I am a part of IT Club, I will make sure that it will not degrade to that of a nerd club. I will make sure that the members are ready for the world, not social outcasts. They will have the people skills to communicate, to break out and adapt with whatever group of people they are with. Not to be stuck with their little group of weirdos and nerds.

And now you're leaving. I don't mean to jump to conclusions but I see this as you not having the Victorian Spirit. You claim the job does not have a higher pay but seriously, you can't fool me. Location? Hell you stay 50 metres away at Mandarin Gardens. VS is the nearest school for you. Politics and social issues in VS to me seems to be the main factor. Definitely the school will not benefit with your loss, and I wonder what will happen to the future of IT Club.

The clubs in VS are falling and now AV appears to be the next in tow. And what will happen? IT Club taking over it as well? Or is it the school's ploy to remove the clubs as they are the black sheep in a sports dominated school. But hear me out, we need the clubs to have unity and spirit. Much like the past. I know I myself am willing to support the school, to be that one who gives clubs a better name. I just wish that the next batch will have this in them.

There is no point for achieving the end result of paper success when along the road, your life is screwed up without people skills and this affects you in life, in the long term. With that, I wish the best for Victoria that she shall produce quality Victorians, ready to make the world their playing field. And as long as I'm a Victorian, I will make sure that the spirit doesn't die. Listen, we need a fresh start, a change from the current priority where results come first. With the right culture and spirit, everything else will fall into place.

And with your motto:

Nil Sine Labore

When darkness turns to light

It ends tonight, it ends tonight

Just a little insight won't make this right

Too late to fight, it ends tonight

Lethargy

2009-10-27T05:12:00.000-07:00

'Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language.'

- Gail Godwin

Famous.

Intensive. Mother Tongue. Day. Put these words together in a sentence and what do you get... Intensive Mother Tongue Day (IMT). How could the school come up with this? Utter crap! One whole day dedicated to chinese. Come on, that's more chinese than I speak in a month!

I'm falling sick and probably it's perfect to miss tomorrow, but there're meetings on. Important meetings. I know I should go but I'm getting sick. Should I just miss tomorrow? ... Alright, if tomorrow I really feel unwell, I shall not go. If I am well, then I shall. After all, if I am sick they'll chase me out of school. Everyone's still scared post SARS.

As much as I hate it, I will need to start revising my work. Already. By the end of the holidays I'm gonna make sure that I am fully confident of my sec 3 syllabus.

On a side note, I can't stop thinking about it. Even if I try to, I can't. It's just so fitting, I want to use it to shape my life even though I know it's just fantasy. No, stop thinking. Chain up my mind and restrain it. I know it will never work.

Comes to the end. Got to continue with camp planning and shirt designing. Fun but tiring. Been feeling tired lately. More than usual. Sigh.

To be on the edge of breaking down

When no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Abatement

2009-10-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

'An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.'

- G. K. Chesterton

The road doesn't end, yet.

Got my results today. One word: terrible. I could go on and moping, but I'm glad I did that already. I'm starting to see the importance of the present, the need to strive for excellence.

At first I was really shocked by the horrendous results, almost cried, especially after hearing my parents say how they're proud of me. Really hurts. I really thought that I have failed, time to give up; but I know what to do now, to pick myself up and improve.

I know what to do, to be the best come next exam. What caused my downfall were these:

1) Lack of motivation. I felt so low, like giving up. Ever since the H1N1 and being behind class, I gave up on studies, did not bother to work. I was going to do things on my own and now I know I have failed. I need to rely on Jesus, to have Him to be the pillar of strength. I know I want to make my parents proud. I want to make sure they can live in luxury as soon as possible.

2) People. I couldn't stand my classmates, so I zoned out of class. I was so disconnected, ignoring everyone around. I hated the way they crowd round teachers, so I went extreme. I avoided teachers, never bothered to submit my work, kept to myself. Now I know, it is my battle and that others don't matter. Also, thanks Mr Khoo for your quote "If you get your ones' now, what's the point of me being here? You want improvement and that's where I come in." You have no idea how much that affects me.

3) Entertainment. Not really a point but it's like me not having the mood to study. I was thinking that it's okay to screw up sec3, it isn't as important. But now I know that was the wrong attitude. I'm gonna buck up, change and be the best.

4) Mindset. Along with emotions and motivation, my mindset has been that of a slacker. That is going to change. This is probably the hardest thing to accomplish, but I know this is my greatest asset.

So how am I going to go about with it? I'm deciding to take things continuously, not to overstrain but keep the momentum going. Gonna read this book.

This is it

Have it at home somewhere and I think it's time I got those habits. This holiday will be different from past years'. Gonna make sure I am super confident of my sec3 work, doing a whole massive collection of notes on every subject.

But also, I'm going to try and pick up new skills:

a) Guitar. It can be a healthy form of entertainment

b) Handwriting. Sure, mine is legible and all, but I want to be able to write neatly in cursive and write fast

c) Gym. I wanna make sure I'm fit and healthy. Not like some steroids thing but to be strong physically. It helps prevent being sick. Hate it after H1N1. Also, gunning for gold for NAPFA

d) Designing. Going to practice on art, designing both on paper and computer. It's a good skill to have.

e) Speech. I need to practice reading and speaking too. Not only for orals but also for daily presentations, representations etc. Very useful too.

Alright, I have goals set. Time for a fresh start and time to make this year count. As much as the school year has come to an end, there's still 2 months before 2009 makes way for 2010. And I'm going to be prepared for 2010. And as Victoria says,

Nil Sine Labore.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than I can be

I have found my motivation, regained my confidence, clarified my doubts and vanquished my fear. I am a changed person, ready for the world.

2009-10-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

Unfettered

2009-10-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

'We must embrace the pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.'

- Kenji Miyazawa

Live it my way

I believe no one reads, so I'm just gonna state what's on my mind. Emo? Fine. Say what you wanna say. Won't affect me, don't need another reminder.

I've been living this way all along and old habits die hard. I don't belong with any group of people, that is the way I like it. Call me lonely, fine. I'm a lonely sad person. Whatever. I'm going to start being more apathetic to my own emotions. Sure, I'll gladly entertain others, but I'll keep my emotions in check. Don't need to be weak and cry in front of others. Stereotype? Well I can't give a damn.

I'm not going to allow any outside disturbances, irritations affect me emotionally. Nothing's gonna affect me. Being a cold rock is better than melted marshmallows. Not going to let such trivial things affect me. It ain't worth it. It's pathetic to cry over little dreams, romances and the like. You know, fall, crawl, make and break. Just going to bypass that whole stage altogether.

I detest being frail. I am a male person and as blunt and rash as this is, I shouldn't let emotion control me. It should not influence my mood, hell mood shouldn't even be present. My decisions will be based purely on what necessary/priority and not on feeling. Give me that ice pack would you.

It's not that I'm going to become heartless and apathetic, it's just that I want to be in control of my emotions and feelings. To be less judgmental, less PMS-y. Taking charge of emotions, being resilient. And it's just personal, on myself. Not saying I'm changing people, nor do they need to change. Just that I'm going to live life with more self control over emotion.

That's it. I feel more empowered after typing all these out. Helps. Since this is a little monologue with myself, Goodbye Jaren.

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do

To look at you in the eye

And tell you I don't love you

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie

To show no emotion

When you start to cry

Ascension

2009-10-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

'I think I do better when things are a little tougher'

- Richard Marx

I should be enjoying the post exams. But no. Instead I feel more lost, more helpless. I know I screwed up, I just know. And that I'll never have a chance with you.

Why do I even bother wasting my time? Nothing happened, nothing will. Yet all I find myself in is this complete mess of myself. I'll put the blame on hormones, but no, it is my own thinking. Why did I put in so much of my time and energy thinking about you? Why did I have it up in my mind all along?

I need to let go, as hard as it seems. Nothing happened, and yet I'm ruining myself. Hell, I'm in this bloody mess. And the only one's affected is myself. Great timing for realization. Now I just gotta shake it loose. I know I've told myself this so many times yet I can't take action. Heck I've never felt this way before.

Now God please, I need Your presence once again. Your timing is the best and I pray you will help me get out of it. I've been away long enough and I want to be back in Your presence once again. No more turning back. I know it's a hard decision, even if my heart breaks. But I know it's for the better. Time to move on.

Throw it away without feeling. Remove it all. No point in blaming myself for being naive, gotta accept and move along. I can say it all now, but I know I don't want to. Save me from the dark.

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there's so many things I want you to know

I won't give up till it's over

If it takes you forever, I want you to know

Frivolous

2009-10-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

'When you have to make a choice and you don't make it, that is in itself a choice.'

- William James

Well, I haven't been updating. Been out having fun and not being confined to the computer, so yay! Anyway, I'm having a monologue with myself since I really doubt others are reading. Okay, so I shall blog for the hope that someone actually reads this.

So in my absence, what happened?

22 Oct:

I had my geography paper in the morning. Entering the school premises, it was literally empty. Like no one else was in school. Not even during school holidays does the school feel so empty. Up to class, everyone was busy fumbling with their notes. Well I was too. Until about 0730, where I just stopped and ventured round the school. Went up to the 7th floor for some fresh air and then rushed back to class for national anthem. Turns out, there was no anthem today. Wonder what will happen when MOE finds out about this...

The geography paper started at 0800. There're 4 questions, only 2 need to be done. I did questions 2 and 3. The topics for the questions I did were rivers, coasts, natural vegetation, climate, map work. Frankly, I feel quite confident about my paper. Wasn't too bad. I finished it with about 5 minutes to spare, and already had a kick-ass conclusion for both LORMS. I spent the last five minutes adding more points to a compare-and-contrast question.

After the paper, met up with Samuel, Amirul, Zhe Chuan, Berwin and Jonathan for lan. Berwin and Jonathan actually bothered to come to school just for this. Not bad. Anyway, we mainly played L4D at the shop. When it was time to pay up, I gave the computer numbers we used, that same fat man returned our ez-links. One of the cards were wrong so I just told him directly it was the wrong card. Maybe this fat man had too many doughnuts and well, he exploded. He just shouted "Can talk properly anot?!" So basically I was wtf! I can't give a damn about him and so didn't get affected by that ass.

Had lunch at parkway's new KFC. They have this extension area with more eateries. Well, at KFC, it was only Berwin, Jonathan and I. A meal at KFC's nothing spectacular so there. Took a bus to city hall to get to Jaben. Jaben's this headphone shop where you can try out ALL their stock. Nice touch.

Anyway, Jaben setup is like some D&T workshop. Not very inviting. But the staff are really friendly and helpful. Makes your experience a whole lot more satisfying. We tried out a couple of headphones and IEMs, can't really remember which ones. Hahah not an audiophile. I can only remember these two:

Headphones are so cool and they sound so good. But I don't have the cash and the need to have them.

Audio Technica M50

Koss Portapros

23 Oct:

Woke up at 1pm. YAY! Had lunch with my dad and mom. Quite rarely this happens since my dad would be overseas, mom working, me in school or out. So anyway it was quite different. Had a psb meeting in school and then came home to play the day away. Nothing that exciting.

Starting to find my brother really irritating. You're inconsiderate, selfish and spoilt and yet you refuse to admit it. You already are way luckier than me for the sake that you can get whatever you want just by asking while I have to fund my own wants. Yet all you do is complain, it is f*king annoying. When I want time alone, you have to keep pestering me and sulk. You know something, you're the f*king older one, be more responsible for yourself! I'm tired of always having to be the one to manage things around the house, do all the sai-gang work while you are the one they show off. Seriously, be happy with the favourtism they show on you and quit being such an a-hole. You know something, go study. Your O levels are less than a week away and you're happily playing. And still think of getting 6 points, dream on.

Sorry for the anger. Just felt that I need to let it all go out. Alright, time to enjoy my little holiday until monday, when results are out.

You are fine, you are sweet

Fine, I'm still a bit naive with my heart

When you're close, I don't breathe

I can't find the words to speak and I feel the sparks

Pukka

2009-10-21T02:51:00.000-07:00

'We part only to meet again'

- John Gay

Fully agree

Apparently no one's partying even when they've finished their exams. I mean come on, enjoy yourselves! I'm still stuck with one final day of exams while you guys are complaining about not having anything to do? Go get a hobby or something!

You know, it's pretty pointless to reach school at 7, stay around wasting time until 8, have an exam until 9 (MCQ btw) and then go home. Really a waste of time. Like, you get the school to come down just for one hour? And they couldn't dump the geography paper today too. Fantastic.

So there's plate tectonics, weather and climate, natural vegetation, rivers, coasts. Perfect. And I've got to spam ink writing on pieces of paper about global warming. Great, see the irony? Geography is probably the most content based test I have. Seriously, there's lots to write about. Not that it's interesting but you are forced to write a lot. In 1 hour and 30 mins, about 8,9 pages worth. Perfect.

I guess I have the latest exam ending for secondary schools. Sucks. Big time. And to think I'm saying "It's all going to be over tomorrow" when others have received their results already. Brilliant. Gragh! And what's ~~annoying~~ weird is that quite a number of my classmates don't want to go out. I mean seriously!!! They'll rather be staying at home, connecting online to play Halo or something. *rolls eyes*

Playing can at least go out as a group to a lan centre or something, but no, save money/scared of outside shops. I would call them nerds/no lives but I'm in that category too. Anyway, dcdk about them, I'm going out tomorrow with others. In the end it's normally going out with friends from other classes.

No offense to anyone, but our class really has no life.

It's understandable for the scholars that travel concerns, but what about you Singaporeans? Definitely not all of you, but a substantial amount. And to think you can be proud to wear the 'red shirt' and be a leader in the school. You show no enthusiasm about the school, only about your studies. You crowd around the teacher like he's some god. Come on! I actually feel disgusted to be in the same class as you.

It's my life after all, and if you don't wanna join, your loss. If sitting in front of a screen in your own home communicating with "lol" and "hahas" your idea of fun, I can't judge you. I'm sorry for being such a jerk. Okay, the point is, I'm gonna enjoy my post exam life. Yay!

Do you know what it feels like

Loving someone

That's in a rush

To throw you away

Milieu

2009-10-20T05:16:00.000-07:00

'We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?'

- Jean Cocteau

Two papers down, two more to go, two hours worth, two days. Now since everything's in two's, which part is bad? Obviously, the two days part. I mean seriously... ONE HOUR PER DAY? Thanks so much vs, for making poor 9 subbers stay back an extra day in school. Grr....

Well, tomorrow's Biology. Should be no problem but I know I won't get full marks or something. That is just retarded. On thursday, it's the final paper, Geography. It's gonna be so sad, when everyone else celebrates triumphantly leaving the school premises. And I'm stuck with this one more exam. Oh come on, VS is probably the only secondary school in Singapore who still has examinations until now. This sucks so much, it puts a lollipop to shame. Dammit!

So by right I should be going through Geography. Well I'm not. Short story, unmotivated. I mean sure, I have to exercise self discipline, perseverance etc. but you know how demoralizing it is for poor students like me who cannot join friends to go out and celebrate? I know those with plans for bowling, movies, makan, lan... Once again, dammit!

I'll be stuck at home, feelin' the love from that stack of paper known as a textbook. Doing notes, drawing diagrams. While others are partying. Awesome... Alright, now that realization has dawned on me, I should do something else. Maybe I need an ego boost. Or something.

Fine, enough complaining. It's time for photos =)

So what do you think this little doggy can do?

Guess who caused this?

Yup. You guessed it. Clever girl loves biting/chewing/attacking my hand. Her form of play I suppose. And she gets really crazy and carried away with it. Pull, bite, growl, claw. It's hard to describe it here and sorry no vids. Also very unglam haha. Gila.

And now, I shall await the 36 hours before I can finally run out of the school gates screaming: "IT'S OVER!!!!" Yep, I can't wait. On a side note, I may be going with Berwin to Jaben to check out headphones. Okay geeky. He's going to get one and doesn't want to go alone so... (this is not gay ok?) Till 9.30a.m. Thursday 22/10, gotta study. Roar!

He was a skater boy

She said, "See you later boy"

He wasn't good enough for her

Now he's a superstar

Slamming on his guitar

Does your pretty face

See what he's worth?

Inconspicuous

2009-10-19T05:12:00.000-07:00

'Science is nothing but perception.'

- Plato

Random sorry.

Lost. How the day felt and how I felt personally. I've been wasting the day away and feel unconfident of myself. I know I did my work, yet I still feel so nervous. Unfounded fear.

Anyway, that's besides the point. Since last minute work won't help, it's best to leave it all up. Let it go. Throw it away and remember in 3 days time, it's gonna be celebration. Sure, an extra day compared to the others. But I'm gonna be strong and get through it all.

So today we celebrated my grandma's birthday at Parkway's NYNY. I feel that whole revamped area was a waste of space and time. It kinds of remove what was formerly there and the al fresco area which was distinct of PP. So, at NYNY, food servings are abnormally huge. Didn't take any pictures so nothing to be seen.

And it's costly too. Around 15+ for a plate of fish and chips. Definitely not worth, but still, at least they taste okay. Nothing that fantastic but it was pleasant. My grandma had a waffle for a birthday cake haha. It's quite cool actually, since there's an ice cream on it... nevermind.

Then the rest of the afternoon was wasted swimming. It's hot and really unfun to do anything else. Night is wasted and definitely I did not touch any books today at all. Damn. Now I am still bored, drumming my fingers on the keyboard. Somehow I just feel so out of place, so distant, so lost. Like what I'm doing is pointless, what I'm doing serves no purpose...

Alright, stray away from emo-ish thoughts. And focus on what's great coming up... Holiday!!! Yay, and just 3 days before I can care less about studies! Then again, I've adopted this attitude since, I don't know, 6? Damn again. Need a change in mindset. How much does brain surgery cost?

Our lives are made

In these small hours

These little wonders

These twists and turns of fate

Riposte

2009-10-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

'Truth is a tendency'

- R. Buckminister Fuller

Alright, I'm done with Physics! One afternoon, 8 pages of summarized notes and 4 test papers later, I feel I am done with it. No more needing to go back to this subject. Okay, maybe I still need to but the point is I feel more confident already.

It's been a really long while since I actually mugged. I still don't think this is mugging yet, but actually doing my work and making sure I know it well does say something. At least for me, then again paper and ink can't talk... alright getting lame.

Sorry so unglam!

So today, little Whitney managed to do a little something. Like going up the table and grab food. Again. Well for reward she got a hell of a whacking, and apparently she is "sorry". Like spending the time emoing under a table.

Golden

Hershey

Managed to clean them today. It ain't fun, but it's necessary. Now Golden's drinking water. Haha they have this water bottle with cap replaced with this ball-bearing contraption. So all they need to do is to lap the ball bearing for water to flow out. Either he's thirsty or bored, since he's forcefully biting the ball bearing thing. Makes lots of noise.

The cool thing about all of them is that they respond by name. So even now, should I call out their name, they would:

a) Turn to look at me

b) Call back

c) Do both

It's cute, but I guess I'm used to it and don't find anything special about it. Actually I spend lots more time with the computer than with them. Okay, besides the point.

Need to do something else. But it's late, can't make too much noise. Don't want to spend my time on the computer since there's no one to chat to now. Yet again, it sucks to still have papers when others clearly completed theirs. Damn.

Okay I shall try to do something more productive. Continue with camp planning or study Geography? Or I can go to bed. Haha, sleeping sounds good. And, yay! No school tomorrow! Thanks Diwali/Deepavali!!!

People killin', people dyin'

Children hurt and hear them cryin'

Can you practice what you preach

And would you turn the other cheek

Solace

2009-10-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

'Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.'

- H. G. Wells

Today will be a boring day.

Activities

a) Study

b) Breathe

c) Study

d) Eat

e) Study.

Yup, it's gonna be boring. Well it's just too bad that I have exams still.

Okay, so I guess I will be slogging today. Sigh. So much for a Deepavali holiday. Then again, poor Indians who still have exams during the celebrations.

22/10/09 the day it will all end. Yay!

Till then, I should be more productive with my work and all. Quit moping, and start fresh.

*note to self, stop being so emo!

In the meantime, I should have somethings to look forward to:

a) Camps! (3 of them, back to back =D)

b) Holidays!

c) Work (I wanna work at a fast food restaurant, no idea why)

d) Going out (Definitely people would be free)

e) Learn a new skill (Guitar, cooking, etc)

f) Do something different (Writing, photos etc)

Should make the holidays as productive as possible. Which means, there still must be time for studying. Damn I need a better attitude regarding studies. Until then, back to hitting the books.

Do you think I'm wasting

My time doing things

I wanna do

But it hurts when you

Disapprove all along

Raffish

2009-10-16T05:36:00.000-07:00

'A facility for a quotation covers the absence of original thought.'

- Dorothy L. Sayers

It's hard. Hard to live a good life. I know that I have failed as being a God honouring christian. I just don't know why, just a part of me gives up. Doesn't even bother trying. For some reason, I just can't trust Him, at times even doubting His presence. Church becomes mundane, my mind's off somewhere else.

I keep telling myself I will draw closer but it never happens. I can only keep empty promises, never carrying out as told. Yet I still bother with condemning others. What a hypocrite. Somehow I doubt is possible. I know I should be resilient, but I think I have conceded. I'm sorry. With a mark, leaving empty, longing.

Somehow it's really unfair, to simply be an observer, watching people and their ways. How easy it is for others to be happy, to be energetic. Actually envious of them. I find it hard to open up, be natural. All I portray are fronts, never revealing my own emotions. As the seconds pass, I know how everyone else is spending their Friday night, out with people. Here, I am only stuck at home with a computer. Missing what it feels like to be normal. I have no idea if people are really able to see me as who I am. Then again, opinions should not matter.

I said this before to myself, stay on my own, keep things to myself. I don't want to be some random retard spilling his problems all over. No, spare others the agony, be considerate. Living up to others, setting up fronts and personalities. I thought those would go away, but they would not. As much as I find it shallow for people to express drastic emotion over minute events, I am jealous of it. Jealous of not being able just to enjoy, express myself.

It's okay. I shall become numb to it. They say no man is an island, but who said one can't fend for himself? In the meantime, I shall continue wasting my time away. Or sleep. Can't function properly. Just that something's up.

It's been about a year now

Ain't seen or heard from you

Been missing you crazy

How do you, how do you sleep

Nevermore

2009-10-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

'Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons'

- Bertrand Russell

Again with the no life streak. Typing, staring, breathing. Not saying a word, nobody's home. It's comforting yet scary. You're happy you're all on your own. Somehow, you still feel worried. There's still four days of exams left. Tomorrow, next tues, wed, thurs.

Apparently, there're those lan gaming centres which allow you to enter in your school uniform. My first time going to this one, and they allow you to enter in with school uniforms. Yes, with the shirt, pants and badge. The interior seriously looks seedy. They've got a couple of pool tables, set up "pub/bar/night club" style. Complete with those low hanging lamps, looks like those you see on cheap channel 8 soap operas.

And, the whole place is happily dark. Lighting and atmosphere. Wouldn't go there alone, but then again, who lans alone? So when you're there, you have to register. Fill up some forms, even the ones supposedly for "parents". Haha, wonder what happens if the police does a raid.

Environment aside, there's another reason why it sucks. The computers. Okay fine, only for me. Others had it fine. I had to change computer 3 times. Thanks to them not working. At least the 10 of us were able to play. Not bad. Except it would be nicer to be in the same row as everyone else.

Then in there, the people are... Mainly guys of around my age, enjoying how it is like to scream and shout in an enclosed room. Anyway, when we're leaving, there was this huge(fat) man, probably 17/18 to 23, with stupid dirt coloured hair. You know, payment must be made at the counter and so a group of ten guys would naturally crowd to pay right? Apparently that bloke had his packet box of food on the counter top. He made such a huge fuss like some 4 year old boy, just to make his way to one section of the counter and eat his food. And he takes up a lot of space.

The main point why I'm angry with him was the way he talked back at my friend who was innocently standing. I mean, you want your food, fine. Don't need to treat your customers that way right? Sheesh. Anyway, just looking at him, he's like the epitome of being a ~~loser~~ nerd. Stuck in some dark room staring at a computer screen. Trying to look cool with pathetic bleached hair, fat until cannot sit on a chair and having a f*ked up attitude. Way to go.

Speaking of which, another memory came to mind. About a month and a half ago, as I was walking to the bus stop, there was this elderly man who was cycling. So I could see he wasn't going to make way, I moved out of the way. Then this man stopped right in front of me and said: 你可以走那里你走这里！给我衮！

I mean seriously, are you that bitter? Maybe you're some sort of Sook Ching victim but still, go ride your bike. You don't have to spoil my day simple because you f*ked up your own life!

Okay, vulgar. So tomorrow's chinese but I'm not gonna study. Most probably going to fail already, so no point trying to study last minute.

Once again, 4 more exam days, 1 more week to go. Come on... hurry up!!!

In the night I hear 'em talk

Coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road

He lost his soul

To a woman so heartless

Dawning

2009-10-14T04:14:00.000-07:00

'Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.'

- Mark Twain

I spent my time thinking. My afternoon. Instead of studying like I am supposed to, I was deep in thought. Not about studies, no. About something else. Bigger.

That stupid immature need for affection. Oh come on, why? And of all times now. Just so so so stupid. All these emotions were unnecessary burdens yet I chose to hold on to them. Well guess what, it's time I put it behind me. No more.

So much for wishful thinking. Being delusional. I can't believe myself, what I've done. Trying to prove, to impress. Who? There was no one there. I wasted my time, my energy, my life on something so fruitless. Just gonna face the music tomorrow, receive my failed grades.

Seriously, all that ever happened to me because of this was just pain, breaking, tearing. Still question myself why? It was all up in my head. Sure no one knew, I'd love to keep it that way but what's done been done. The blow had been dealt and I'm the victim and the offender.

Well, just some time to let it all sink in, the realizations. But I can't spend to much time on it. I still have things to do. Aims to accomplish. I choose not to pull myself down. Time to start over, new heart new mind. Tomorrow's just as important and I'm going to make it count. I promise.

At least nothing happened. I'm glad nothing did. It's all up in my head, and I'm glad it remains that way.

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes, how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

latest: i'm sitting with my books on the table. nothing's going in, i can't do it. i'm sorry

Terms

2009-10-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

"There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity"

- Johann Wolfgang von Geothe

It's Day 3 of examinations. Just more than a week to some happy times. As I said before, not feeling the exam stress. No, I am not confident that I'm gonna ace it, but I'm confident I won't fail.

Plans for the holidays seem to shape up pretty well.

Week 1: Foreign Induction Programme

Week 2: Rest?

Week 3: Veloci-T

Week 4: Peer Support Camp

Week 5: IT Camp

Yes, 3 camps back to back to back. But it's gonna be fun. I know it. Especially IT Camp, because I'm camp commandant =D And also it's gonna be the longest. Biggest worry is that they'll not come. Probably I should use CCA attendance as a driving factor for them to come. Then again, their loss and also, they need family time. Nothing's said and done, so nevermind.

So today was kind of retarded after school. Not as in funny retarded, but irritating retarded. Dear (how should I address him as..) N, so you just found out about some news. Good for you, but seriously, keep it to yourself. You start thrashing around, moping. Look, as much as I too dislike it, I have got plans. Unlike you, trying to come in as a group and try to fight for it.

Use your brain. Get your main fighting points out first and not just jump into conclusions. Somehow I feel like laughing at you. I could easily wash my hands off, watch you crash and burn. But no. Here I am, sacrificing my time and energy to help you, yet you don't understand. And from here, I'll take things into my own hands. I can't afford you screwing up, jeopardizing everyone else.

Ya' know, I do support you, and yet you can blatantly lie over the phone, when I'm right there beside you. Fine, I won't take it against you but you should know who to trust and who not to. Don't worry, I'll help. And by the way, I do know more than you do, your dirty little secrets.

But no. I won't tear you down. I will support, but not dominate. I'll help all of you with your plans, but I won't take charge. Your battle, your effort, your credit. Just know I'll be supportive of you.

Okay, that's it. I've got other things to attend to. My camps and planning all 3 of them. Fun stuff. Anyways, just a week plus more to go...

A thousand miles seems pretty far

But they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Unfounded

2009-10-12T03:15:00.000-07:00

'I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself'

-Oprah Winfrey

Hang on, persevere. Just 10 more days. Till the end of this dreaded exam. What I hate most about it is not the actual paper itself, but the atmosphere it sets. No more normal people. No more staying back. No more entertainment.

This very 2-week paper can cause non-muggers to kick into high gear studying. People change. Their behavior changes, their attitude transforms. But why? Is this little test of academic ability worth the drastic change in life? Rejecting a holistic lifestyle and convert into solely studies? It is an unhealthy change. Detrimental to society.

Yes, there are those whose lives normally revolves around studies. Probably that's what Singapore wants from students. Mindless textbook zombies. Does that defeat the purpose of having an examination, when people do not necessarily know their work, but instead simply memorize? This creates a narrow field of view, a tiny spectrum.

True, you can excel in your specific area of interest. Maybe a forced bred interest, thanks to society. Anyway, you can feel happy and contented with expertise in that area, but many such people shut out information from other sources. While textbook studies encourage an "inquisitive mind", it does not encourage open mindedness. Take for an example, Social Studies. Your general knowledge can only be limited to what is found in the textbook. Then you start to wonder why it is so difficult to do a General Paper, where Sri Lankan conflict is considered a void case study.

So much for increasing knowledge. Because if you are trained to see things from only one perspective, that one way of solving a differentiation, you will tend to see things from one perspective, narrowing yourself. With so many people in society only being able to know what they learnt, it is easy for political figures to manipulate a population. For example, Temasek Holdings losing $30m. What did Singapore say? Blame it on the economic downturn.

Just in case most of you do not know, it was not the downturn that caused this, but the greed of the Singaporeans at the directorship posts which lead to the loss. You made a wrong investment, had the reasons for the loss in Feb 08 yet chose only to release it when it got suspicious around August. How convenient, the economic downturn. Probably I sound anti-government, but seriously, too many people are either

a)Believing everything reported by the news

b)Completely rejecting what the news says

For example global warming. Doesn't everyone share the same common view that it is our fault and that we must try to correct it? What if it is simply a conspiracy by scientists? Or that it is simply a platform developed countries such as USA can use to protect themselves from competition? (by the way, USA is an excellent practicer of protectionism) You have countries like Canada leading the movement, shaming other countries for their carbon emmisions.

Then you can see it as a joke. Look at Canada. Geothermal, hydroelectric, wind, solar energies are so plentiful. It is a land of natural resource. It is a shame on their part they still use coal and oil! They have no right to condemn others when they themselves are not acting in proportion. Fine, blame Singapore for the highest carbon emmisions per capita. But look at yourselves. You have bountiful resources while Singapore has none. You have no right to outrageously attack other countries for being inconsiderate when you yourself are not doing your part.

"But my ice caps are melting!" Put a sock in it. Here you are complaining of sea level rise when people in Philippines are dying in poverty. Then instead of helping the welfare of Philippines, you can condemn them for being the 3rd most polluted country in Asia. Dear green activists, screw you.

Okay, why the sudden condemnation of Canada. Well, apparently they have been influential enough to make global warming an international scale problem, the same level as poverty. Seriously, poverty. Tell me who has died from global warming. No i don't want to hear stupid concern about penguins. Here in our world, people are suffering from poverty, dying by the hundreds per day. And the loss of animals is put on the same scale as the death of humans?!

Also, global warming as a cornerstone topic in our studies. Chem, Bio, Geog, SS, Phy, Eng all use global warming as an important concept. What do we learn? How we can do our part in saving the environment, the detrimental effects of global warming. Hell, you try to teach our generation for what we can do for our generation when others are left to die. So much for human nature and a better environment for all to live in.

Finally, I would just want to conclude that I feel so irritated that Singapore's education system only wants us students to learn what they want us to know, shutting out any other forms of knowledge. Can you use the Bangladeshi slums as a case study? No. You can however, use the small Maria Hertogh riots. This is just so played, set up. Get a broader perspective, and not be simply swinging from full support to full condemnation.

(like you American Bush supporters turned haters ---> was voted in the most popular presidents, kept for 2 terms and now the victim of the nation's hate)

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love I lost

I'm feeling your frustration

Any minute all the pain will stop

Steadfast

2009-10-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

'I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't'

-W. Somerset Muagham

Surprisingly, there is a need to survive the weekends. Normally, it should be the day to rest, or to study. I can do neither. So spending my time staring at a screen is what I'm doing, as unproductive as that is.

I don't have that exam stress that many others, or all have. And it's starting to feel worrying. Is it because I'm arrogant? Or am I just apathetic to it? I have no idea. It's scary.

Sure, there's been lots of good that's happened. But at the same time, I just feel as if I'm standing on a shaky rock, ready to topple over. So what if you're strong? No foundation and you're pretty much vulnerable.

While typing, I do feel that bit tired as well. Tempted to sleep but I've got to go through my work as well. Okay, I have no idea why I'm starting to get freaked out over minor problems. I'm like just scaring myself.

I'll admit. I'm starting to feel quite delusional. Imagining things. Till the extend that they become so much a part of my thought pattern. No. You've got things to do, stop wasting time wondering. Just do what you're told.

Right now, I am feeling the need to be attached to something. I have no idea (3rd time) why. To have some sense of motivation. That something which will spur me on, and help me stay rooted. I just don't know what I want in life. Blank.

Yes sure, study hard, get good education, go university, get good job. This is the "ideal route", but somewhere inside of me, I just want to break out of this stereotype. I don't want to be confined to this set path that Singaporeans wish to achieve. I want a breakout. But what can I do? Nothing. Most probably I too will have to follow this.

Even if your hands are shakin'

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closin'

Do it with a heart wide open

A wide heart

Say what you need to say

Prelude

2009-10-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

'Lead, follow or get out of the way'

-Thomas Paine

Today marks a day in every Victorian's life. For the Secondary 1s to 3s, the start of the exams. For the Secondary 4s, their graduation. And also on a random note, there seems to be a problem with my cbox and music player.

Well, today there was Social Studies and English paper 1. That's two subjects down. Feeling quite confident about them. Not going to further (often spell this wrong) elaborate about my papers. No, no exams.

Well, I really wasn't planning to stay in school today. I only brought the bare exam essentials and was going to home directly after the paper. Failed. I went to the clubroom, played bridge and basically spend my day in school until 7.30 Dinner out till I reached home at 9. This has become normal for me, but the strange thing I feel is that I'm doing this during the exam period.

So stuff in the clubroom were pretty standard. Cards, crapping, ~~bone saw~~, study a bit, cards. Okay, not the study part. As usual, only Jonathan, Berwin and I were there. Ordered Mcdonalds for the second time this week. Very unhealthy. In the end we ended up planning for the IT Camp on the first week of December. Seriously, I hope that all of them would come. Yes, I did not attend any before, but has the camp commandant, I am really going to make sure they come. Trust me, it's gonna be fun. Not spilling anything though, maybe except a glass of water.

All the Sec 4s looked rather strange in their formal wear. As in they're overdoing it. Big time. You're graduating, congratulations (those two words are often spelt wrongly too)! But wearing suspenders, fendoras and boots is a bit overboard. After all, you're still in a school. Kinda pitiful that your "high class dinner" is catered by ISS.

ISS, the ~~best vendors is the whole wide world~~. The guys who brought you toilet cleaning, hostel food and now, canteen food. Congrats, they benefit from the captive market which so happens to be Victorians. Go ahead and try to get them to improve food standards and reduce pricing. Won't happen. Look, unless all of you boycott the canteen as I do, they will remain until their contract expires. (2014) until then, we have to put up with this nourishing delicacies

provided by them.

Well well, definitely I did not study today and I'm not going to study later. Just sucks, puts a lollipop to shame. Just a few more days until end of the school academic year. Yay! And then comes all the camps

For some reason I can't explain

Once you go there was never

Never an honest word

And that was when I ruled the world